Just a couple more months of being a clerk and I could write something really intimidating
Wednesday, Mar. 16, 2005 - 20:20

For the record, let me state that I am not now, nor have I ever been, anti-cat. On the contrary, I have always been staunchly pro-cat, and not just pro-my-own-cats, but pro-all-cats, with a slight exception being that I admitted that I didn't really like long-haired cats. (Little did I know, though, that what I thought were long-haired cats were, in fact, medium-haired cats.)

I talk to cats on the street. I make friends with my friends' cats, even cats with bad reputations.

When I moved to Seattle I moved into a house with a person I'd met once and two cats I'd never met. To my horror, these cats 1. were Persian cats, 2. were ungroomed, 3. were badly-mannered and untrained, and 4. had a raging case of fleas for at least the first month of our co-existence, if not longer, and who knows how long they'd had them before we met. I realize that three of these things were the fault of my former roommate Miss Crazypants, and the other one wasn't really the cats' fault either.

I don't like Persian cats, it's true, because 1. they're ugly (they have no noses!), 2. they're really really stupid (intelligence apparently wasn't what they were bred for), and 3. they require a great deal of maintenace (i.e. daily brushing, wiping the disgusting brown liquid out of their eyes, cleaning up their fallen dingleberries, buying them special tiny catfood that their freaky mutated catmouths can eat, and cleaning up the wads of cathair all over the house).

Had my former roommate Miss Crazypants 1. brushed her fucking cats more than once a week, 2. cleaned up their fucking dingleberries, 3. gotten rid of the FUCKING FLEAS, 4. trained the little shits not to jump up on the counters and tables thereby getting flea poop and cathair all over, or at least, if they're too dumb to be trained, TAKEN THEM OFF THE COUNTERS AND TABLES WHEN THEY JUMPED UP THERE rather than just saying in a tired quiet voice "Booboo get off the counter", and PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANTLY 5. CLEANED UP THE ENORMOUS CLOUDS OF CATHAIR THAT FLOATED ALL OVER AND SETTLED ONTO EVERYTHING, ... I MIGHT HAVE found living with ugly dumb cats to be bearable.

One of them looked like a bith! What am I supposed to do? And seriously, they were dumb, the dumbest things I've ever met. They were too dumb to even be funny. Cats are supposed to be funny! Cats are supposed to be cat-like! These cats were like battery-powered ottomans! They looked like small bears! They had fleas and got poop all over! A couple times they pooped on the floor and there was liquid with the poop! Also, they DESTROYED MY PLANTS.

Okay, I got a little worked up, but you didn't have to live there, and mostly it was Miss Crazypants, I mean it was all Miss Crazypants, you have no idea - she left PANTYLINERS ALL OVER THE HOUSE, like in the basement even, at all times of the month. Why? And when she put the used pantyliners in the garbage she didn't roll them up, she just left them open so that 1. you could LOOK AT HER USED PANTYLINERS and 2. they'd get stuck to the side of the garbage so that when you took out the trash (because you were the only one who did because she was too busy either whoring herself out on the internet or watching TV) her pantyliners would still be in there, and what do you do about that? and I even found two pantyliners in the WASHING MACHINE once.

But back to cats. Here is proof of my pro-cat status: 1. I live with a three-legged cat right now! He DOES yowl because he's Siamese, and Siamese cats have loud yowls because people in Siam talk very loudly and Siamese cats would never be heard otherwise. He was yowling because he wanted to go out, but he couldn't go out because he'd recently gotten into a catfight. If I were anti-cat I would have let him out to go maim all the neighborhood cats and himself. But I didn't! Because I'm pro-cat! 2. Even though I professed to not liking long-haired cats, I met Peter's long-haired (but actually medium-haired) cat last spring and I liked him immensely. He was nice and soft and funny, and elegantly groomed, even though he was an outdoor cat. 3. I LOVE my sister's kitten, she is the craziest and funniest kitten in the west. 4. What Lucy says, 5. Endearing animal stories, 6. The trail of tears that I travel every day, 7. I'm not the Pet Psychic, 8. I'm a sucker for the felines 9. Etc.

I am pro-cat! Cease and desist from this unfounded slander! The end.