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- May is the month that I always want to experience slowly and here it is the 17th already. I don't know what to say. I'm filled with chagrin from signing up for this dumb race and telling people about it. I've never struggled with the mental fortitude part about long-distance running, but this year I just can't make myself want to run. Running is unpleasant, it's dumb, and it takes a long time. I can't wait for this whole stupid thing to be over. I'm going to buy myself some fancy headphones to wear on my remaining long runs - maybe listening to music or podcasts or audiobooks will help me get through them. Then after this, no more stupid races for me! My company is laying people off. I've already lost two team members. Today the group of managers that I'm in had a meeting with our manager and she started it off by saying "Fuck" and then crying - I'd brought some gummy bears to the meeting because I knew it was going to be bad. Her manager, and her manager's manager and another higher-up were laid off today. I'm relieved my manager wasn't laid off, selfishly, but this doesn't bode well at all. The company is an unimaginably huge global corporation and it's a shit company, it sucks - soooooo. I may be out of a job in the next month or two. We'll see. The whole town smells like lilacs again but I find no delight in it - I partook of the lilac too gaily in my youth and now I suffer for it - lilacs bring me only a stuffed-up head now. Oh I also need to buy new trail shoes for the race. If I lose my job I won't be able to buy every single thing I want to buy anymore.
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