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- Just now I suddenly had the hankering to listen to "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead" by Stars. Oh look, there's a youtube video for it, which I'm gonna watch over and over today. Why this song all of a sudden? I don't know. Ten and a half years ago I suddenly one day got it stuck in my head even though I'd never paid one bit of attention to it before then. This coincided with a trip back to Seattle where I had to see my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend and I couldn't eat for four days knowing that was going to happen. That was after a semester of only eating one and a half meals a day without realizing it (I am not very smart) and wondering why my clothes were hanging off me, thinking I had some medical condition that was keeping me from maintaining my weight. No, I was just sad. It also coincided with hearing from Tim for the first time in however many years it was then - two years, I think - and finding out what had happened with him. I couldn't tell if I was upset about that, or upset about that son-of-a-bitch in Seattle, or both, or neither, or both. But after four days of not eating after a semester of also not eating, and after listening the shit out of this song ('listen the shit out of' = listen to obsessively), I realized I was killing myself over fuckwhits, essentially, and decided to stop it. It isn't true, though, that you won't look back if you live through this. At least for me. I lived through it, I plowed through it, I conquered and destroyed it, but every once in a while I look back. Gladly, I suppose. I am glad that I had those experiences. (And I don't think they're fuckwhits, at all.) My life is so different now and it's sometimes hard to see how I've gotten from one phase to the other without realizing it. You go to bed at night and get up the next morning, every single day, and somehow eventually everything changes. And every seven years most of your cells have turned over and you're a new person(?). Is this what being a real woman is like? My boobs hurt, I've gotten two zits on my face in the last couple weeks, and I'm getting sweepingly emotional about an old indie rock song. If I'd been on the pill still I'd have started my period on Tuesday but instead I'm just sitting here with normal blood pressure (I hope). I want my birth control pills back!
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