September 6, 50 degrees
Tuesday, Sept. 06, 2016 - 16:44

I'm not a morning person but my favorite time of day is before breakfast and coffee. Maybe it's the anticipation, the reset, the new day. Maybe it's that I'm extremely food-motivated and excited about getting in some calories.

Not everything has to be a big deal, not everything "means" something, although that's how I usually interpret things. I'm lost right now, pretty fucking miserable. I didn't know it would be like this and I didn't think I was this weak. But I am.

I am an emotional being, though. This is just how I feel right now. I give great weight to my "feelings" and I think if I get a bad feeling it's the truth, when really the truth is I have no idea what I'm doing or what's going on, I just bumble through the days like the silly animal that I am.

I went for a walk last night through the neighborhood and felt a little better. Breathe in, breathe out. I don't have to ruin anything, I don't have to abandon everything I care about, I can chill out and get through this day and - go home and watch a fucking Sandra Bullock movie.

Or I could move to the country.

I hardly slept last night despite Zyrtec and Advil PM. I expected to finally fall asleep in the wee hours and then be deeply asleep when it came time to get up, but instead I was awake when my alarm went off and I'm not tired.

It was a hard summer for me but this fall is even harder. It's been hard for me, and I didn't think it would be, at least not like this. It was hard but I was okay until a couple weeks ago, and now -

When I'm upset I want to leave, my first instinct is to leave. Sometimes you can call it "travel". I want to go to Switzerland, to a town on a lake, and stay there for two weeks. I want to live very expensively, stay in a fancy hotel, eat baguettes and chocolate and drink European coffee. I'll take walks in the afternoons. No I'll hike up the goddamn mountains. I'll have problems communicating - I barely remember standard German let alone anything I may have learned about Swiss German. Everything's on youtube though. I need to get studying, since I'll probably be leaving for Switzerland very shortly.