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oh just - I don't know, I don't think I have any real reason to be feeling freaked out, but that's how I feel and that's how I've been feeling and fuck if it doesn't seem real. I think it all started Friday and I'm not entirely sure why. Well, I suppose that's a lie, I suppose I do know why, but I'm not going to say it. Instead I will blame it on Saturn and start talking about things that are entirely unrelated but can be connected if you concentrate really hard. I got a telescope this summer and saw the rings of Saturn with my own eyeballs for the first time in my life. Saturn did not mean for this to happen, it was unnatural for me to be seeing this celestial body in such a way, humans were only meant to see the planets as small bright things in the night sky. And so Saturn has cursed me. The Stranger has stopped running Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology column. I moved to Seattle in my late 20s after a life of blah and I loved the intelligent, irreverent wit of certain things that were still around - those three sacrilegious businesses on Capitol Hill that aren't there anymore, the shitty apartment buildings that people still lived in, and the Stranger. Rob Brezsny, whether you "believe" in "astrology" or not, writes positive, interesting, and inspiring stuff. It's weird and shitty and you can sit in a shitty coffee shop and write in your journal about your shitty life and read Rob Brezsny and look at the trans escort ads and cry and check your mobile phone for any texts from that dashing but aloof boy and fuck if life isn't really fucking exciting and real. And the Stranger isn't running Rob Brezsny anymore and maybe that "wit" that you saw was due to your own interpretation of things and you're the one who's lost the "wit," not anyone else. You're the one. A couple weeks ago Rob Brezsny said I needed to sleep more and I blatantly ignored the advice and now here we are, I'm on the edge of a panic attack and his column isn't running in the Stranger and I can't be honest with anybody. I tried to stay up last night to watch the meteor shower but got too tired and went to bed at midnight, which is still too late for me. It was a beautiful night. If I haven't been clear about it before, I love where I live so much. Except... I have no idea how this happens, all of my maps have been overthrown. Happenstance has changed my plans so many times, my heart has been outgrown. Can't tell you who I am. Or maybe this was to be predicted - I'm done with my 50-mile race and nothing has filled that void yet and I have no idea what I'm doing right now -
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