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- Came home for the weekend - as usual it's much too short and I have to leave in a few hours. Did manage to accomplish my goals, which were modest: laundry, mending, fix headlights, watch a movie. Have been hanging out with my sister. We made lasagna and bread last night, very good. Last week I didn't sleep well. I'd go to bed and my neck wouldn't stop being itchy. I cannot sleep if my neck isn't comfortable. I'd lie awake, toss and turn, scratching and flipping around all night long. I couldn't figure it out - I was tired, tired, and I don't normally have a problem getting to sleep. Then I realized that perhaps it was my p.m. intake of caffeine. I get to my desk job at noon, and so 12 p.m. feels like 8 a.m. to me, so I'll have a double latte at 3 because it feels right. Need to stop that, find something else to drink instead. I'm very bored with my hot beverage options lately. Of course a likely suspect in my sleeplessness is all this stuff going on. Sometimes I feel like I'm barely hanging on and I wonder if I'll be able to make it. Really, I'd be completely incapable of teaching this class if I hadn't done all that work two years ago - there's no way I'd be able to put anything together right now. I'm relying on all that stuff I did and barely paying any attention to anything. I've been making peace with the past - I had already sort of made peace with the past, or accepted that it happened the way it did, although not quite explicitly - but have not been able to communicate that with the person I need to communicate it with. I think now it's more important for him to make peace with the past than it is for me - it's been eating him up more than it ever ate me up - but I think it's important for him to hear me, as that might help him get over it. All the shit I went through, even though I bear responsibility for plenty of it - I don't have anything to feel guilty about. It's hard to forgive someone, but it's probably harder to forgive yourself. I can't make him forgive himself but I can tell him that he doesn't need to punish himself on my behalf. It's hard not being able to make other people do things. I wish he could be healthy but that's not my call.
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