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- Hi. I'm using the internet at Safeway, where I had to agree to my activity being monitored and my expectations of secure browsing being nil. I came here to do banking. I think it's been a successful visit so far. I got a grande latte for $2, and a donut. There's a guy talking on a headset, I think he's in a long-distance relationship, perhaps an internet relationship. Anyway, he's talking out loud and you can't help but listen. He's unaware. I'm tired, and it's smoky outside. It would be a lovely day otherwise. I was looking through my old journals to see what I wrote the last time we talked on the phone, four and a half years ago. I didn't write much about it, though. It was a brief conversation - he apologized, and knowing the way I felt at the time, and knowing the way I am, I realized I hadn't responded to his apology. He apologized the other week, too, and I didn't respond then. I thought I'd been able to let go of the anger and hurt and resentment I felt, but I think I've hung on to some of it. Last night I apologized for not having a response to his apologies, and I told him I'm not sure I have a response yet. I'm not sure I ever will, really. We'll see, I suppose. If you're keeping tabs, this is the most complicated relationship between the most complicated people in the world. I'm kidding, but sometimes we work in hyperbole. Oh, but also, I wanted to say - I was looking through old journals reading what I wrote (wow I used to be a great writer!) (wow I had some intense phases in my life) and I could barf at how delusional I was. I had these insights and I wrote them down but dismissed them and I was right! Why was I so dumb! I could barf at myself. However, I was also smart enough to realize that I needed to become the best person possible, and I am realizing now that all this crap I put myself through, all this training, all this testing myself and pushing myself and questioning myself and finally being honest with myself - it's all coming in mighty, mighty useful these days.
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