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Wednesday, August 5 Conference is over, my presentation is done, blah blah whatever. It was okay but I was nervous and everyone could tell. Met nice people at the conference but I'm still not interested in theory or academia at all. I have decided to retire from the conference presentation circuit. But got some ideas about stuff, like, applying for a fellowship for nonstudents for next year. Do you know how much I could get? Because I do, and it's a lot more than what I make now. I could live off that, do some useful work, and, like, maybe do more useful work. Whatever. I probably won't, but we'll see. Also, talked to someone who still has a couple hundred dollars of grant money left that she'd use to pay me to do some software setup for her. Who has time for this? Not me, but that's because much of my time is spent at my job which pays very little. Etc. Met someone who remembered me from a conference at my first stint at grad school. "Yeah, I recognize you from there," he said, when I said I'd started out there. Me: "Huh? I quit 6 years ago." Him: "Yeah, it was a few years ago, I remember you." Isn't that weird? One of the professors here was also at that conference in 2003 - I don't remember her from that, but she's here now, as am I, as is Friend 2 or 1 or whoever who was actually the main organizer of the conference down there... and then this guy who was also there who I didn't remember. I don't remember a lot from my previous life, which is really weird to me. But also, that year, 2003, I was kind of going through a lot, about to move away, I'd already quit school, and I got super drunk at the party the first night of the conference. So. I should find my paper journal and see what I wrote then (although I know it was all about myself and how I was freaking out all the time and having panic attacks... probably didn't write anything at all about what was going on around me). I came home this afternoon, internetted a bit, took a nap, went to Dairy Queen and ruined my dinner with a chocolate nut whip. Not hungry now at all but it's 8 - past dinnertime. I should eat something. Thought about going home this weekend to baby myself and go swimming, but there's supposed to be storms coming in, rain and cold weather, so I'll wait for a more summery weekend. But there's only a couple weekends left! And then school starts! So, tomorrow I start figuring that out - syllabus, lesson plans, read the textbooks, right. I've taken many classes in the subject but I'm dense and didn't learn anything - so, in the next three weeks I have to teach it all to myself. God. So it goes.
"Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid."
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