preevaluation of my reevaluation, likely to be postponed
Monday, Mar. 30, 2009 - 18:57

For a second at work this morning I forgot who I was, where I lived, what I'm doing in this life.

I'm running faster this year, my times are better than they were last year. Last year I was running faster than the year before. This year I haven't been running the distances I was running last year but it seems to be going well - I'm doing okay.

If I do an 8:15 pace, my half marathon time will be 1:48. If I do 8:05, 1:45:53. To get 1:45 even, my pace will have to be 8:01. My ultimate goal is to finish in 1:40 (don't tell anyone - that's my secret goal), and to do that I'll have to get my pace down to 7:38. This year, realistically, I think I can get down to an 8:15 pace, maybe even 8:05 if everything goes okay, I don't get too tired, my hip/knee/feet are fine, and most importantly my breathing is okay. I've gotten 8:00 and 8:06 paces in a couple races this year - 5Ks, but still. 8:30 in a 10K with very litte training. Yeah, faster this year than last, and last year I was surprised by my 8:30 pace in the half marathon.

I'm supposed to be reevaluating my life in two days. I will probably postpone the reevaluation to August, even though this is a postponement from last September. Last September I was hanging out with that brown-eyed boy - I was going to move and then he asked me out, days before I went home for a week to test the waters there. And I couldn't leave - you understand.

I had built a bubble for myself here - I didn't care what anyone in this town thought of me, I could do whatever I wanted and didn't really give a rat's ass. I ran and did my crappy radio show and went home to my little alley house. After that incredibly emotionally tumultuous time in Seattle I needed a little peace and quiet and that's what I got and I was okay. I'd built a peaceful little world for myself and then it kind of got invaded and the next thing I knew there was this boy in my bed. And it took a little getting used to but then I really liked it, I really liked it.

It didn't exactly work out and I thought that was a shame. I'm still trying to recover from it and trying to figure out what it was and how it happened. I miss him, I see him every once in a while - I run into him unexpectedly, I see him here and there. We talk and joke and laugh but nothing serious, and if we ever got the chance to be serious I'd probably beg him to be friends again - I didn't mean it! I take it back! I'd rather be just friends than nothing!

It's true, I'd rather be just friends than nothing, although I know I did the right thing by breaking that off. It's been a hard winter for me, these last few months, but I can imagine how it would have been otherwise - hanging out with him would have been fun but I would have always been wanting more, I'd have always been tortured and suffering, waiting for him to call, awkwardly hoping that something more would happen. I don't want to be just friends - I don't want him to see me as just a friend - and that's what I would have turned into.

Six years ago I'd never have thought that it would be like this now - no. I was impatient but so convinced everything would turn out. I still think everything will turn out but I wonder what "everything will turn out" means. Maybe it doesn't mean what I hope it will mean.

I have more work to do.