March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb
Wednesday, Mar. 04, 2009 - 18:11

In December, out of the blue, I got an email from someone I hadn't had contact with since before my Big Change - he was a fellow student at Grad School Part 1. Well. He wants to present something at the conference that I helped out with back then - in fact he's the one who started the conference. He asked me if I wanted to co-author something. Well shit, you know? I could, and this is so unexpected. You go to grad school, drop out, transfer to a different school and get your M.A., and then work really hard at creating something that would keep you involved in the field but it doesn't work out, so you kind of give up and leave it behind, and then out of the blue this opportunity comes up, know what I'm saying?

So there's that, number 1. Then there's this: a bigger conference, a hugeish conference (if you're into that kind of thing, and by 'huge' I mean important, not large) will be happening here, right in my own backyard, in August. One of my old professors/friend said that I should do my thesis presentation at the conference. Which I could do. I actually felt good about my thesis presentation, it was pretty good, and not very many people were there for it. So, you know, shit. I could do that. But I'm terrified. I don't know anything - how could I give a talk in front of people who are actually experts in the field? Especially two years after finishing? I didn't know anything two years ago, I know even less now, oh god oh god.

That's 2 things. And then there's this, number 3: the group my thesis is on is holding a gathering near my hometown in June - not a powwow, but like a cultural/educational gathering. Those are the people I wanted to connect with, I want to give them my thesis and say, "Here you go. Now how can I make this more useful to you?" You know? This is a beautiful opportunity all of a sudden and is so great, if I follow up.

But I'm bussssssssssssssy with other things now that I've given up on my studies - why are all these potential opportunities turning up without any effort by me?

Oh - and I forgot: that professor/friend is pregnant, due in July, and looking for someone to teach one of her classes next fall, and she asked me. Number 4. Teach a class? Like, I guess it would be as an adjunct instructor. And. Shouldn't I apply? I should, shouldn't I? I should, and if I don't some guy will get the job and I'll remain the subservient overqualified female working as underpaid administrative support.

These are professional opportunities. PROFESSIONAL. OPPORTUNITIES. Aren't I always complaining about how lame my job is, how I have a master's degree and am working at a job that requires a high school diploma and three years of experience? Aren't I always wishing something will find me when I'm walking down the street? Isn't that what's happening? It is, and my first reaction is to cower and shirk. I cower and shirk but secretly imagine myself doing it.

My personal astrologer Rob Brezsny has started encouraging me to push myself and aim for higher things. I know I need to, but shit. I'm scared and insecure.

Also: that brown-eyed boy. We'll be hanging out again, I think.

Running: race on Saturday (with a pancake breakfast!), running group starts on Sunday. Last weekend was my last free weekend and what did I do? I didn't sleep in, I went for a long run, I got a roommate, I went to the record store, I got a ride home from someone with brown eyes and then I didn't want to sit still so I went for a run again. Must start eating more pasta again.

Good times! Had fun last night! It's okay and I'm okay, if slightly uncomfortable and worried. I'm cowering and shirking but man, life is interesting.