killing everything I know
Monday, Feb. 09, 2009 - 21:01

Dear diary, dear world:

February, you know. It's already the 9th.

I was able to pick up a wireless signal with my desktop computer at home - the first time in about a year! Updates galore were downloaded.

World, I don't know what will happen. February, as you know, is my favorite month. This year, as you know, February is a perfect month, if your week starts on Sunday. Also, as you know, odd-numbered years are good to me, generally.

I have this sense that I won't be living in my house all that long, like maybe until August. I have a sense, also, that I'll be getting a new job this year. I don't know why I think these things.

At the risk of jinxing everything, at the risk of putting the lives of myself and everyone I know and love at risk, I have to say that I feel like death is going to come and change everything. I am as superstitious as the next person and I don't want to say these things or give credence to some morbid inklings I might have - I have an overactive imagination, I imagine everything, why even indulge this shit? And still. I know that an entire world can end forever in less than half a second.

I am tired, I'm tired of so much. I take so much for granted. I walk to work! I can walk! I have a job! I have a radio show! When my life is snuffed out none of this will matter - it is intensely fascinating to me, but that's because I'm stuck in the middle of it all.

I read an article about a woman who is a pet psychic. She found out from a dog who had been digging holes in the yard that in his previous life he had been an Irish gravedigger. I may or may not believe in reincarnation - we really, after all, have no idea - I am inclined to believe in it but adding animals to the mix makes it more complex than I've ever imagined. Not that animals don't have souls - I've known enough cats and dogs to know they do.

One day in Australia on the farm, going out to the barn, I saw a moth on the ground, wings spread out. Did it look like a moth? No, it looked like the face of a cat - eyes and nose, furry. How did that moth get to look like that? I know the answer to that - they've been talking about Darwin on the radio lately. But WHY did that moth get to look like that? Again you could answer soullessly, if you want, but somewhere in there I think someone's thinking about stuff. Maybe you discredit the theory of eyespots - that's fine. If you were just cells dividing you wouldn't give a crap about theories like that, would you? But you do, and I do, and we are more than our cells.

I bought new moisturizer for my face but it makes me clammy. I went to the dermatologist - I don't know why I waited so long.

Remember when all I cared about was that my legs were sausages? Remember how it was before I started referring to my running as "training"? Remember when I moved to Seattle and listened to KEXP when I couldn't get to sleep at night? Remember when I moved to California? I read Agatha Christie in the moving van on the way there, our cat howled through two states and then became so jaded she would lay on the seat out of her cage, listless.

Two months ago I moved across the river and do you know why? It was because of the end of a relationship. I didn't leave town though - usually I leave town. Three times I've moved to a different city after a breakup. This time I stayed here, just moved across the river. Closer to him, in fact.

You know how sometimes things just fall into your lap? And you know how sometimes no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want it, it just doesn't work out?

Today was three minutes and two seconds longer than yesterday.