written at work 06/06/06 when I was homeless, staying in Ballard
Friday, Mar. 07, 2008 - 18:07

It's Tuesday, the worst day of the week.

I missed the bus this morning, both the express and the local drove off as I was 20 seconds away from the bus stop, so I had to walk ten minutes to a different street because I didn't want to wait for the next one. But I should have, because the buses on the route I walked to were all fucked up. One of the express buses just didn't show up so there were throngs of pissed-off people at the bus stop. And we had to wait 15 minutes, so I might as well have just waited at my original bus stop for the next bus there.

I was sweaty and stinky and it was still early morning. My attempts at getting in early this week have been futile. I started thinking about all the times I've been crapped on by birds this spring. It's Tuesday, it's the 6th of June 2006, and everyone's talking about the devil. And yesterday was Kevin's last day and he's not at work today and that's weird. And also I'm in the middle of a fight with guess who.

I get out a notebook and write:

We can't deal with this life so give me sleeping pills so I can sleep against my will and give me alcohol so I can laugh against my will and give me television to watch during Christmas so I can connect with humanity without connecting to anything at all and give me cigarettes so I can get lung cancer and die and put myself out of this fucking fucking misery.

I have things to do, I catch glimpses of guess who. Things are sad, Kevin's not around. Then I get back to my desk and guess who has sent me a message and the following ensues over gmail chat:

him: i think my right ear is broken
------------------------ 10 minutes
me: how did that happen?
him: i dont know...
either my ear is broken or my ipod is again broken
me: or your earplugs are broken
him: i thought that too
but i had eve test that theory
and she cant hear anything from my pod
i at least get the left
the same thing is true when i use these ear phone on my computer
me: so then how is it not the headphones if the same thing happens on your computer?
him: i dont know...i'm a little confused
because my ears work
i think it might have to do with a charge of the phones (?) and thats why the right ear doesnt work anywhere i use these phones
i dont know
me: I thought I still had your other headphones that you tried to throw away but I just looked for them and I can't find them
him: not a problem
i bought new ones this morning when i was convinced it was a headphone problem
me: anyway why are you typing at me?
I thought we were fighting
him: no fighting is stupid
me: so it's over?
you refused to fight back
that's not a fight
him: i got really busy with work crap in the middle of the fight...not that i want/ed to fight back, but it was a forced truce
me: goddamnit
him: we can keep fighting
me: you can't end a fight that I picked like that
him: but i think it would be really lame to do so
i'm coming over to your desk
me: no
him: okay...
me: okay what
him: i'm not coming over
me: so is the fight back on?
him: i'm not trying to re-instigate or initiate a fight
i'm looking beyond fighting
youre leaving for [a different place] tomorrow, and will be moving there soon...it would be really really stupid on both of our parts to fight
it would parallel [something stupid we had to do at work] for waste of time
me: perhaps
but it would be dramatic
and when I pick a fight goddamnit you can't just not fight back
him: i will keep you informed if i get busy during a fight
me: I got busy too
I am perfectly capable of carrying on a one-sided argument you know
and I would have
him: fighting with yourself?
me: no, fighting at you
him: at me but not with me
?
me: yeah
I would win
him: okay...

him: can i stop by now
me: I suppose
him: okay...i'm bring two sets of headphones, and testing sensory stability