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- Apprehension, nervousness. There's a word I'm trying to think of but can't. I've bitten off all my fingernails again. I've run into a brick wall - I have things to fall back on, namely my parents, but I want to be able to stand on my own. I'm still terrified of tomorrow. What is that word? - not looking forward to it. I'm headed downtown in forty minutes, a show of support for my favorite DJ friend, but am dreading it right now, picturing myself walking down into that cavern, awkwardly dressed in my large snow coat and large shoes, going to the bar and sitting there by myself after ordering my Makers on the rocks, after a few minutes sidling over to a group of people, a needy unwelcome addition. My warm reception of a few weeks ago will not happen again - I drank that away and have gnawed all my fingernails off. I will say hi to my favorite DJ friend and we will be glad to see each other but what? What? Will I stand next to the booth all night? Stand next to the booth all night awkward and lame? No, I can't do that because that is the realm of the crowd I drank myself out of the other week - unbeknownst to me apparently, because I had a good time, and so did everyone else, but once we sobered up others became... awkward, apparently. And I was the one with the bruised tailbone, jesus. To put it more simply: a few weeks ago I went there, drank drinks bought by someone else (he offered and why not?), managed to stay until the bar shut down, went to his place afterwards (nothing happened, there weren't even any awkward moments - I remember him showing me his closet - "Wow," I said, and I wasn't even being sarcastic), and then went home, falling on my butt on the way out. I was still drunk when I woke up a few hours later (and I've reread the entry I wrote when I got home and although I had managed to fix the misspelled words my math skillz weren't up to par - I had to get up four hours after going to bed). Saw this person this weekend and he avoided me. He avoided me! ! How can it be that other people are less communicative than me, weirder, bigger avoiders? How can this be? I was not planning to be awkward, there was no reason for it. I am also nervous because of my radio show tomorrow. My nightmares aren't nightmares, per se, not even necessarily stressful dreams. They are just dreams with a certain amount of tension. My attempts to play vinyl always fail. My attempts to talk always fail. And with about 45 minutes left I always start getting nervous and I turn into a moron. I am applying for temp jobs - it has come to this. Even if I get a job it won't pay enough - my rent, my car, my student loans, my utilities. How did I live so serendipitously in Seattle? I waltzed into the joint with no friends no job no car no nothing and managed to save money, even with taking a month off to go to Costa Rica? I managed to get more friends there than anywhere else I've lived? What kind of bizarro life did I leave behind? I ran that town, I went everywhere, and now I'm sitting here afraid of walking into a bar by myself again - a bar where there will be 15 people and I know them all and there will be others alone, what is my problem? My problem: I just put new sheets on my bed, the blue stripes, and my bed is so comfortable, what's the point of going somewhere when I can just get into bed? I have an electric blanket, I have insulation, and it is 20 or less outside. Do I need to take my last bottle of happy pills? Is that it? The word I was trying to think of - trepidation.
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