Tragedy of portents.
Tuesday, Nov. 27, 2007 - 19:36

Nothing bad ever happens to me. I complain all the time but minor inconveniences mean nothing, really. This morning I turned on my stereo and the speakers made a loud pop and then just buzzed. No music came out. This is nothing, it's just my stereo, but I know that at any moment something bad, something that actually means something, could happen. No one cares about my goddamn stereo, not even me, even though it is my most important possession, kind of, and I don't know what to do without it and I've been thinking about impending doom all day because of its demise. But fuck, man.

I am destitute. I have no money. I've had to borrow $2000 from my parents this fall and I'm 31 years old. 31 and 3/4. At this point in my life I shouldn't be having to borrow money from them. I have student loans to repay, I have car payments for a car that is too much car that I never drive (I love it though), I have to pay rent and utilities for an uninsulated house I live in by myself because I'm too snotty to suck it up and live with other people.

I have communication problems.

I am stuck in temp limbo - my job was going to end for real at the end of this month, for real this time, it was even discussed at the staff meeting last week. For real, over. But today of course she asked me to stay, it would be nice if I stayed, December, January. I applied for a job last week and I'm qualified as fuck but probably won't get hired because my cover letter sucked and because they like to hire people they know, and they don't know me. I am terribly employable but there aren't any jobs here - and any jobs there are pay like $10 an hour at most and you're supposed to make excuses for the crappy pay, because at least you get to live here. Live here? This place doesn't even have a lake!

I mentioned moving back to Seattle or back to my hometown next summer if I can't find something - my mom said, well, you don't have to pay rent here. Next summer I will be 32 years old and I can't move back in with my parents. Moving back in with them when I was 27 was fine and I didn't give a crap if it looked bad or not - but when I'm 32? Can't do it.

How can I prepare for my radio show if my stereo is broken?

On top of all that (which is nothing, I know, whatever) I'm all skittish thinking that any second my jackass neighbor is going to barge in and start talking at me about his stupid plane rides. It's got to happen at some point but it appears he hasn't gotten back yet. If he does get back later tonight I hope he decides to stay home.

I'm fatter than I've been in years. I knew my days of eating whatever I wanted and still losing weight were numbered. I was right, tragically right - it only lasted three years. Who needs some perspective? Not me.