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- It's 5:40, a beautiful Thursday afternoon. I am in bed waking up from a nap - I am so dehydrated and unslept these days, today it's making me feel sick. At 6:00 there's an organized trail run and I have no reason to not do it and many reasons to do it: it's beautiful right now, it will not be so warm at the next trail run in October, I need to run a little for the race on Saturday, I should do one of these organized runs since I'm a member of this running club and should get my money's worth, the trail is near my house and if I get on my bike I'll be there in 10 minutes. I've been ignoring the fact that I have to pee because I've been pretending to be asleep, but I get up, go to the bathroom, put my hair in a ponytail and kind of decide that I'm not going to make it to the run. Why not? Because. I get a bowl of ice cream, chocolate peanut butter - peanut butter is the best addition to ice cream. My sister and I made ice cream when we were home - the vanilla was excellent (tasted just like store-bought!) but the chocolate wasn't. It tasted like brownies and you know how I hate brownies. I was home for almost two weeks and when I go home it's always like I'm switching lives, going back into a life that was on pause while my other life elsewhere was playing. It's always hard to leave my hometown and always takes a while for this life to start playing again. I am an old VCR. I make up metaphors and then spit on them because they are so dumb, but I make up more and more. I miss my home, I miss being there and I miss my dad. I've decided to move back there when I'm done with this place but maybe I'm already done with it. Maybe there's no point in being here anymore. I don't feel that way but Rob Brezsny and the Fates have abandoned me. Maybe I've abandoned them. Either way, nothing's happening and I'm impatient. Picking up and moving someplace else is what I do when I don't know what to do anymore. I'm getting a new roof, maybe getting insulation, maybe getting a new furnace. I've decided to get a cat before the winter comes. I'll have an electric blanket as well. All signs point to this being a warmer winter than last but, what do I care? All I want is to be in an endless summer reading Victoria Holt books and swimming whenever I want. That's not true but I would really like to go back to Australia. I give up, go for a walk, and go get a movie. The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. Which is just... and I'd forgotten about so many things in it and it's like I'm watching it for the first time, which is not true because I borrowed the DVD from you two years ago. But I hardly think about that. I go to bed at 1. Seems to be the way it is these days.
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