An August night
Thursday, Aug. 02, 2007 - 22:48

Things always come up and I shouldn't be surprised by that anymore. But I am. Whenever I decide there are no options, suddenly, one day, one afternoon, many options present themselves.

It's to be expected, when you finish a degree - the question everyone asks is, what next? Same question you ask yourself.

I am slow, I have no answer. I don't know, I always answer. We'll see. Update my resume.

Will you stay here or move back to Seattle? they ask. I don't know, I always answer. We'll see.

I don't have an answer but I do have options. I'm not done here yet. I'm not leaving this place because I haven't gotten out of it what I want to get out of it. What do I want to get out of it? I don't exactly know, but that is immaterial. I will know when it's time.

Today I realized that yes, yes, I can move back home. I can. It's not time to leave here yet, no, but give it a year and it will be.

Then I get an email from a friend in Seattle, the kind of friend who is indescribably cool, who's always up for anything, whether it's running a race or going to a baseball game or a show (even bands she doesn't know) or sitting at the table eating cookie dough. I could move back to Seattle. I could. She tells me about a job at the company where she works. There are jobs there, I could get a good job there. Seattle is more than one cute boy. No need for panic attacks thinking about moving back.

Kevin called last night. He bought a car. Peter quit smoking. What is Kathleen doing? We made a pact to see the Da Vinci Code together; we shook on it. Races, all year long. Green Lake, good coffee. Something crazy: I saved up money living in Seattle. I saved money, I said. I could get a good job and have a certain kind of life.

Here, a library job at the most, if I'm lucky. Starting up a nonprofit. Continuing the work that my thesis started. DJing. Running the races I've been running. These are all things of consequence. Sure the coffee sucks. Sure I'm seeing no bands and my heart is not bleeding all over the floor. I'm fine.

I have no money. I paid the rent for this month and crap, Jack, that's about it. So much for my Seattle savings. I need a job.

I read some entries I wrote a year ago. It was a hard time but I plowed through it like the bulldozer I am. Or whatever. I learned from it. I mean, I'm okay.