when there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire
Tuesday, Jan. 09, 2007 - 23:09

This was written on a Wednesday in Seattle:

It is Tuesday afternoon and today I have forced down half a cookie and a piece of toast and I think of what I ate yesterday (a bagel and an orange) and the day before that and I realize that I haven't really eaten since Friday night - Friday night - and my clothes are falling off and this is not missing a meal here and there, this is serious, this is stupid. This is losing weight I really don't need to be losing. This anxiety, this upset, this fucking emotional turmoil is kind of literally killing me.

The thought and smell of food make me sick. I take a bite of toast and it takes me two minutes to force it down. I feel hungry - I know I should eat - but I can't.

The anxiety is back in my chest, the freakout. I wake up in the night, the morning. The night is so long and miserable - DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY NIGHTS I'VE LAID AWAKE THE PAST FOUR YEARS?

Enough of this! Enough! I wanted radness, I wanted excitement, experiences - I got what I wanted. Now I want peace. My resolution for the new year: peace.

There's that stupid proverb: Wherever you go, there you are. Tell that to any kid, they'll roll their eyes: no shit. Leave it to adults, though, to find solace in statements of the obvious. I had forgotten. It's true.

I will have peace, I will be where I will be. I will sleep and eat and climb mountains and run (half) marathons. I will be healthy. It will be okay, I will be okay.

But first, before the peace, some necessary violence:

I'm going to kill you, little girl - I'm sorry for it but it's time you died, it's long overdue. I have considered the weapon - gun, knife, runaway car, Chilean death powder (or was it Peruvian?) - but I have decided to put an axe to the back of your neck, chop off your head in one swoop, one fell swoop. It will be messy, yes, but don't cry so much, honey, it will be surprisingly painless - it will be over before you know it. You will be headless before you know it.

We gave it our best shot, kids, we gave it our best shot. Learn from it and take that with you. And now - peace.