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- For a while I felt okay, going out and buying things I've needed for the house - curtains, frosty stuff for the bathroom window, a flat extension cord - but then I realized that I'm still a failure because I cannot find a couch or futon or even decide which one I want. I had decided on a couch but then I went to some furniture stores and now I think maybe a futon chair. Everything is so big and I've moved so much over the last few years and there isn't any reason to think my moving is going to stop so getting an enormous couch is just... eh. I have plans to rearrange things. I want another bookshelf. There are some pine ones at Staples on sale and depending on things... eh. Um... and uh a CD thingy. I am so bored and I realized yesterday that my head is not in this. Or my heart or whatever thing you want to call it. Going back to school and finishing this degree sounds really great and good and smart and blah blah blah but I was thinking about the writing class that I want to take next semester and THAT's where my head or heart or hand or whatever is. I was so excited, thinking about this writing class, talking to English professors, sharing my stories and stuff and I haven't been that excited about anything else in a long time and I'm certainly not excited like that about any of the classes I'm in now. Last night I finished a bottle of wine and sometime after midnight ended up laying on my bed staring up at the ceiling and having one of those "what the fuck" moments. I will spare you the tragic teary details. But... I hate Saturdays, and what the fuck am I doing here?
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