self-loathing or self-satisfaction, whichever, the common factor there is "self" agggghh
Thursday, Aug. 24, 2006 - 18:08

I am a snot and a hypocrite. I don't like people who are self-satisfied and think they know a lot. I am self-satisfied because I don't think I know a lot and I think I'm better than people who do.

Once again I find myself looking for people who will challenge me intellectually. But I don't want them to think of themselves as intellectually challenging because then they'll be self-satisfied and annoying and I will hate them.

Arggh, I am a snot, but arggh, academia is full of people who are very smug about how fucking educated and smart they are, even though if you ask me (because I am a snot) they aren't, they are stupid and worse than uneducated stupid people.

So the few people I have met in this program aren't at my (fucking superior) intellectual level. So I think, okay, maybe I can hang out with the people in the philosophy department. But maybe they'll be smug, maybe they'll suck. Okay, maybe the anthropology kids? But maybe they'll stink, I don't know. Forestry? Education? I don't know. Law? Jesus, man.

So then I'm back to this other idea, getting my MFA in creative writing next year (like I think I should actually do that, isn't it a little fucking pompous of me to even consider that?) because people don't think about language the way I do, people don't use it the way I do, people are not on my (fucking superior) level when it comes to language.

I use it, I own it, it's fun. Words, writing, you can say whatever the fuck you want to say however the fuck you want to say it. Stylistics! Who else thinks this? Who else can have fun like that with me? I want people to be clever and witty and funny and fun. And quoting the Simpsons and South Park all the time DOES NOT MAKE YOU CLEVER OR WITTY OR FUNNY OR FUN. The Simpsons and South Park are clever and witty and funny and fun, sure, but YOU ARE NOT, shut up.

Um, back to me. Where was I?

Oh yes, how great I am and how wonderfully gifted I am.

Maybe I'll find some sympathetic souls among the creative writers. But I bet I'm better than the creative writers too, because they probably all LOVE literature classes and they probably LOVE to "discuss", which really means "bullshit" and "speculate". Blah blah blah, everyone should be quiet like me.

There's all these goddamn prescriptivists. Dear prescriptivists, I am better than you because I am not a prescriptivist, so don't look at me with that all-knowing smug look. I am a Writer. Uh, yeah, I don't exactly write anything, but I could if I wanted to.

I have impossibly high standards. I am hard on myself and I am hard on other people. I'm driving myself crazy right now with my smug pomposity. I'm a fucking brat. I should stop and go read Harry Potter.