the cute boy
Friday, Aug. 18, 2006 - 17:28

This morning I woke up at 8:00 for no apparent reason and lately I've been waking up later than that because I've been going to bed late. But this morning I woke up at 8 right as I was starting to have a dream about my old friend the cute boy from work. I thought it was good timing because I didn't want to have to have a dream about him.

Then I laid in bed for an hour daydreaming.

A few months ago I was talking to my sister and I mentioned him and she told me that he was "consuming". I said yes.

I needed to get out of that, I guess.

The problem is that he was my friend. And still could be. I miss that, and him.

In the spring I was having dreams about him, all the time, every time I went to sleep. Dreams that weren't really anything, episodes from everyday life, conversations or being in his presence. No plots, really. Nothing. They probably wouldn't even classify as dreams. But I had them all the time. It was nice.

Then the dreams stopped, for no apparent reason. But when I moved here last week they sort of started again. Not like in the spring, not millions of little dreams a night, just one a night. And nothing big. Just, he was in a dream again.

I see when he's online. I blocked him so I wouldn't have to see it but I kept unblocking him to satisfy curiosity, which was too much work, so now I leave him unblocked. I had made it so he'd never show up in my contact list but that was too much work too, so now he's unblocked and back on my list, online or not.

A couple nights ago I talked to Kevin, who mentioned him, and it was unsettling.

I wanted to be done with him but he wouldn't say goodbye to me. He has some things of mine (including my best fucking harmonica) and he wouldn't give them back. If you asked my imagination, he's holding my things hostage and he wouldn't say goodbye to me because he doesn't want it to be over. If you asked me, though, he still has my stuff and didn't say goodbye because he doesn't give two shits. He quit the week after I did and I wonder why he chose to time it that way. Mostly I wonder why he won't talk to me anymore.

I can't close this because it's unfinished and that pisses me off. Don't put a period where the fates have put a comma, the sign on the church told me, but I'm sick of having to always wait. There are cute boys here, all over, tons of them, so fuck anyone who doesn't have the fucking balls to talk to me after we've known each other for OVER A YEAR.

And I hope he's okay, and I hope he's happy, and I hope I can get over him soon. I hope I stop daydreaming, but I hope the dreams at night keep coming.

Anyway.

Things will come. And it will all be okay, I used to tell myself. These days I wonder about that. But I'll say it to myself anyway. It'll be okay.