On roommates, cute boys, and the single life
2005-12-19 - 19:07

I am not seeking anything out, I think if it is supposed to happen it will happen and I can't force anything. Furthermore I don't want to set myself up like that hoping desperately desperately that something will happen, I will meet someone, the next person I meet will be The One or at least Someone and everything will be complete and hooray hooray Sundays in the park with the dogs and hopefully he will be rich and successful, are you an attorney?

It is so desperate and pathetic and ugly and fake and all I want is to genuinely live and be alive and meet people - People, not Attorneys and not rich successful fucks because what the fuck do I need another iPod for, I have one and never use it.

And if I am alone jesus christ that's fucking fine with me, there are too many things to do anyway, there is no time to sit around and watch TV trying desperately to avoid facing the fact that reality is the way it is and we are lame stupid fucks. We are lame stupid fucks, all of us, and as soon as we get over that fact we can start being rad. Fine if you don't like me in a boy-girl way anymore, stop being a stupid fuck and just be real, you can be nice and friendly. I have not suddenly become a stupid moronic pathetic idiot, I'm the way I always was and if there's a problem now it's your own problem.

Ironically enough I took a free online IQ test on Saturday and my IQ has dropped 24 points so ha ha ha yes I have suddenly become a stupid moronic pathetic idiot, you are right.

HOWEVER.

I am beginning to realize that I'm glad I am the way I am. I do shit, yes I do, yes I do always have something going on, yes I am hyperactive nowadays, yes. The reason I do this is because I spent so long being lame doing nothing that I finally got sick of it and finally was able to make myself do stuff.

The reason is not that life is short and you have to take advantage of every single second because you're going to DIE ANY TIME. No. The reason is that life is long and you can spend SO LONG being lame and miserable and stupid. You can watch TV for SO LONG, hours and hours and years and years and jesus christ why would you want to?

I go to shows on weeknights and get home at 1:30 with a ringing head and smokey hair and I have to get up five hours later and it makes me tired but I do it because I can get some sleep some other day.

I missed the bus and walked a mile to the other bus line because I'm not going to sit around and wait half an hour for the next bus when I could be walking and I'm 29 and right now my body wants to be walking, I want to use my body and physically propel myself across this planet because that's what I'm supposed to do, that's why I have legs, that's why I ingest food, that's why I'm wearing shoes.

I use dishes and I clean them and put them away because if I don't do it now I'll have to do it later and why not just take care of crap? Why let all the crap pile up?

I'm sorry if I'm a little intense but I have no time to mess around with bullshit and pretense. Just cut the crap and be real, stop lying and pretending and start being, just be real.

I was standing on the street one night across from this restaurant, a restaurant with a huge screen that was showing videos and there's Jennifer Lopez and you can read her lips: I'm real. And is that the way it is? Is she real? She says she is, everyone says they are, and are they? Well they say they are so they must be. Because here I am saying the same thing and whether it's true or just complete bullshit is all your perspective I guess.