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Tuesday, Dec. 20, 2005 - 18:58

It is not hard to make boys like me. It is so pathetically predictable in fact that it is boring. I say something witty funny and smart and they are hooked. Little do they know though that this is my material and is not said for them. For the most part. Oh yes I like to make people laugh and I like to be fun but once again it is not for you, I am a wild mustang, I am a brumby and if I feel any hint of a fence sneaking up to encircle me I will run away bucking kicking and snorting.

Of course if the fence were constructed by someone I wanted it would be a whole nother story and I would stop being a horse and start being a sweet baby grey kangaroo. Or something, you know, I mean I wouldn't feel so wild and trapped.

I say I want a pony for Christmas - they like this and laugh and of course they do.

Or they ask me silly stupid irrelevant questions they already know the answer to, just to have something to talk to me about - this is so obvious and how do I respond? I will either shut off and be a bitch or I will be nice and you will like me even more and knock it off! I don't spread myself around! You can't have any!

It's this ego of mine, and it turns out it's all unnecessary as I am now merely above average, no longer a genius. However having been deluded is probably better than otherwise, and I think it's better to be the way I am than the other way around. I am subtle, I am hard to get to know, what I give isn't common. You, cute boy, what you got from me is something very few people have gotten, it was special. You've been around and maybe what you gave to me was common, but just know this: I gave you something special and why did I do that? I chose you because I saw something in you, you have depth, you are no common asshole. Oh you'd like to be I know, you'd like to be the shallowest person alive, but you are not and you got something from me that all these other boys would like but will not get. I am magic, I am lucky, and you cannot know me like you knew me and not get some of that rubbed off onto you. So ha, take that with you throughout your life, and I expect great things from you you know. Or at least I hope for good things for you. Or at least I hope you'll be happy, or if not happy I hope you'll find some peace. I already told you that remember while you were in my arms in my bed crying.