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Girl, boy. Blood, ear, music. Last night was very loud. It's funny, the girl showed up and no one else would have done that, it was so almost date-like. I'm giggling. I totally like her. This morning she said to me, "By the way I'm still deaf." I said, "Me too." And my ear (my poor left ear) is still ringing. I need to have a quiet night or eleven. Right now I'm listening to Pet Sounds. My ear is fucked up. Last night after the show (how familiar is this, running around the streets of Queen Anne in the rain late at night) after the girl went her way and I went mine I ran across Aurora Ave., jumped the barrier, ran towards a poor little prostitute standing on the corner with an umbrella, ran up the street with sirens coming after me. The prostitute either hid or looked after me bewildered. Got on the bus: it was covered in blood, blood smeared on the seats, pooled in the aisle, on the handrails. In quiet Scandinavian Ballard we did not stab each other on the bus. I do not live in Ballard anymore. I got home and was NOT TIRED AT ALL. Talked to my roommate, who was still up. Went to my room and was like, la la la I'm not tired, la la la I'll clean up, la la la I'll read, la la la I'll write in my journal, la la la I'll put in Iron & Wine and some music from my friend the boy and maybe that'll put me to sleep. I fell asleep right away, that music is awesome. Tonight I am tired-out tired and it would be so great except my head is still ringing. I have gotten fat and am going on a diet tonight except I want to make a little pizza for dinner. This weekend we are going ice skating maybe! Maybe the girl, maybe my friend the boy, maybe Kevin, maybe some other fun kids from work. And now here's something about my friend the boy: I've probably already written this, sorry, I always repeat myself. Circles. But every time I think I've figured something out it changes and I'm totally wrong. Every time I think I've decided he's an ass or doesn't give a shit about me it becomes obvious that I'm ridiculous. Every time I think I know him or know how he'll react I'm surprised. Every time I think he will call he doesn't, every time I'm sure he won't call he does. It's weird and there's no explaining it. We get along superbly and we are snippy with each other. He's nice and sweet and fun and interested and mean and critical and cold and standoffish. We have fun together and we have stupid tense dramatic moments. We laugh, we talk about everything, we are uncomfortable, we have nothing to say. We are good friends and we are distant acquaintances. We are just friends and we have this boy-girl thing that is always there. So: I don't want to figure it out right now. I don't want to decide one way or the other. I don't want to think badly of him, and I don't want to think he's the center of my universe. We might still be friends in a year and that's not something I thought would be true three months ago. But it might be. Who knows. I've been so close to being completely done with him so many times but he's my super good friend and why would I want to be done with that? Right now what it is and what he is, I don't know. It is what it is, whatever that is. It'll be okay, whether we remain friends or not. He has depth, good and bad, just like me, just like everyone, right?
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