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So, anyway. I can't really ... there's a lot going on now and I love it actually, hard, crazy, fun, new, uncertain. Johnny Cash is on the radio. Things get more complicated, of course, especially given my brain, and I'm not sure I can talk about what's been flitting through my head lately (HIS EXGIRLFRIEND IS COMING BACK IN JANUARY OR FEBRUARY FUCK, I KNOW THIS, FUCK, AND DON'T FORGET THAT OR START THINKING HE THINKS ANYTHING BIGGER OF YOU THAN JUST FUN FOR NOW, FUCK), so I'll just copy something I wrote in a notebook a couple weeks ago. (You might not have noticed that parenthetical freakout up there, which would be good because I'd just said I couldn't talk about it and then I did. If you didn't notice it, please don't go back and read it because I might erase it before I post this.) (Wah! Wah!) (fuck) ---------/ 8/26 Yesterday I believe. Or the day before. He says "Say hello to my belly" as I have my face down there. Lying on his stomach I guess was what I was doing. "I kind of have a thing for you," he said to me. Oh I don't know. These are cute things, so cute. We show up at work together in the morning, matching coffee cups, and leave together at night. To spend the night he packed his towel. Which delighted me because it was so cute. He wanted us to promise each other that whatever happens we'd remain friends. And I don't know if I can promise that - I have a hard time getting over things - he said "Can you promise you'll try?" ---------- (I wrote that in my green notebook.) (And so the cute boy is very experienced, if you know what I mean, and that's fine with me except for this: that I'm just another experience and in a few months or years he'll be talking with his friends and they'll bring up that weird crazy girl he was seeing, remember that one? And where will I be then, I wonder? Still in Seattle, sitting in my room? Fuck, and it's dumb to be thinking this shit because 1. it's insulting to him because jesus he's very nice and we really like each other and are very honest and open with each other, why should I let my stupid self-esteem problems poison my perception of him, and 2. I'm not even sure what I want, and yet it's like I want him to want me in a giant way even if I'm not sure I want him in that way, and 3. we're still new, we decided not to discuss What This Is yet and I'm sure we will soon, and so why do I just assume that it's bad? Argghh, shut up, girl.) (So anyway, what I wanted to write about was the good things that have actually happened, like him packing his towel to stay at my house. I just thought that was cute. And we have such a nice relationship, and oh man today at work he ... anyway he's cute, still the cute boy at work. He's not going in tomorrow because his dad is here and I hope he has a good day with him. And so we'll see what happens tomorrow.)
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