He hasn't called, oh wow!
Tuesday, Aug. 09, 2005 - 19:26

I have been seeing so many bands lately that I had decided not to go see the Ponys tonight but my friend the cute boy at work saw that I was looking at their website and said "are you going?" and I said "I don't know I haven't decided are you?" and he said "yes you should go" so of course I have to go.

Here are some things I've written in my green notebook over the last couple months but haven't dated, but the last one is from today:

Maybe I just always need something to obsess about.

Friends, Kelsi. But ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh unsettled feelings, a.k.a. freaking out, a.k.a. anxiety. I know why you visit my chest. One reason, I won't talk about.
I had a nice dream about someone, very sweet, and then when I saw him this morning I ignored him. I feel bad. I feel bad that 1. I have sweet thoughts about him - because I always somehow manage to believe that shit, even though I try not to, even though I know how reality works; and 2. I was so unfriendly. I want to be friends with him, and, now, I've only reinforced the distance.
I feel bad about other things but my break is over.

Hello notebook, a week later. Have I told you about this boy? I have but you didn't know it. I'd like a friend - I'd like much more, but I'd settle for a friend. I'm ridiculous and I don't know why I think anything - even a friend - could come out of this. Knowing me and the way I make everything up. If my face were a punching bag I'd punch it.
I can clear my lungs and clear my head - here I am alone, with myself, I have myself - I'm okay. It'll be okay.
I need something to eat. And then I'll go email Petra, my longlost cousin.

You know why I'm slippery. I have an enormous imagination that is so much more fun than reality. And I imagine things, and maybe they come true, and as soon as I start believing they're true, that's when you'll change your mind. I am so hypersensitive, I am so easily crushed, you can kill me with the blink of an eye. I have to protect myself, so that's why I'm slippery.

Is it forward of me, is it stupid to have given him my number? Call me 555-1323. He's just my friend, that's all, and anything else is imaginary. Do friends do that? Call me 555-1323? Friends call each other, it's okay. Or I could've been cool and just shown up - cool acquaintances with an understanding and no pathetic needy Call me 555-1323 notes left on each other's desks. Distance = cool and assured, or distance = distance. Friendly = needy? or friendly = friendly? He won't call, I'll go alone, tomorrow he'll say oh sorry I fell asleep.