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Perfection, continued No, I haven't forgotten about This Diary's Book Club (do I need to think of a new name for it? That's kind of annoying, eh?), nor have I forgotten the important book we're reading now (that book, of course, being 1984). I read some last night, in fact. Nor have I forgotten that I said two Wednesdays ago that Wednesday was going to be book club day (oh my, it's technically Wednesday right now!). Nor have I forgotten that I've been spelling Wednesday as Wensday for a long long time. But I don't feel like talking about the book and I don't feel like misspelling the day of the week on purpose right now. I want to talk about this. It's really hard to read, and really sad. It makes my chest hurt, for her, and for him... and lately my chest has been hurting only for myself. But it really bothers me. I've been thinking about perfection lately, as you may recall. And that entry has me thinking about it more. Especially this: "it's simple, really: if i consume nothing, i consume nothing harmful. if i do nothing, i do nothing wrong. if i communicate nothing, i say nothing wrong. if i exchange or connect with nobody, i wrong nobody. if someone doesn't consume, act, or speak, they are dead. therefore if i'm dead, i'm perfect..."I'm a perfectionist. Not an anorexic, but a perfectionist. And I completely understand this reasoning. I apply it usually in interaction with other people. I lose friends this way, because I hold things back, thinking that if anyone knew how I really was, how psycho and weird and gross and dumb (and boring and arrogant and insecure and fat and ugly and blah blah blah) I am, they wouldn't like me. And I've gone along with that saying that goes something like "it's better to stay quiet and have people think you're stupid than to open your mouth and confirm it". However it goes. If I keep my mouth shut I don't say anything stupid. If I stay away from people I won't make a fool out of myself. But then, later in that entry, there's this: "i become safe in my isolation, perfect in my forced and controlled lack of imperfection."And this... "lack of imperfection". Lack of imperfection is not the same thing as perfection. Lack of imperfection is just nothing. It's a void. So, perfection isn't just lacking imperfection. It's got to be more than that, because it's got to be something, with lots to it. Aaahhhh, anyway, that's more to think about. A lack of imperfections does not make something or someone perfect. Hmm, I'm still thinking about this.
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