It's so haaaaaaaaaard to say goodbye to yesterdayyyyyyyy
Wensday, January 15, 2003 x 2 - 20:50

I've been checking and rechecking my email all day, but haven't gotten much. I was surprised by that, since today is the abstract submission deadline for the CAT conference. But then I realized that I've been taken off the CAT mailing list, since I'm no longer a CAT officer.

Among other things, I was the secretary for the CAT conference, which meant I wrote down the meeting minutes. At the meeting last week we were going to decide on a new secretary, since I'll be in Australia in February and since I'm not even planning to be here for the conference. Only one person had volunteered to be secretary, and that was the new Swiss girl who annoys me. But she hadn't been officially decided on, since we were going to talk about it during the meeting. So at the beginning of the meeting I got out my notebook to record the minutes, and Friend 1, who is the coordinator, said, "Isn't Swiss Girl doing the minutes?" and I said, "I don't know, is she?" and Friend 1 said, "Yes, she is." So fine, I'm not doing it anymore. The fucking annoying new girl can. The minutes she sent out sucked, too.

My first year of involvement with the CAT conference was my first year of grad school. The other grad students who are "involved" in the department (as opposed to the others who never do anything, like the Pompous Ass who has apparently disappeared) were busy organizing a bigger, more important conference, so there were only three of us doing the CAT conference, of which I was the most organized and motivated. So basically I organized the conference that year.

Then the second year, Friend 1 and Friend 2 took over, since they were finished with the more important conference. And that was okay with me. We three organized it together. Friend 1 and Friend 2 had learned valuable conference-organizing skills from the other conference anyway. I kind of had a hard time letting go of some things, like being in charge of registration, but basically it was all good.

Then this year, after I've put all this time and effort and thought into this conference, I've had to step back completely and let everything go. Things that I came up with--like keeping archived records and designing flyers to send to other places--are now either done by annoying new girls, or not done at all. And I have to be okay with that, since it's not my deal anymore.

After the meeting New Girl (not to be confused with the annoying new girl) petted my hair and said, "Was that a little sudden? Are you okay?" and I was glad that she'd noticed, but Friend 1, who is usually sensitive to things like that, didn't. I'd decided that if Friend 1 said anything, like, "Gee, I'm sorry if I swept the rug out from under you" I'd act all dramatic and say, "I don't want to talk about it" because I don't, really. There's really nothing to say. But she didn't, so whatever.

So that's that. I don't like taking on new things, but once I get into it, I become totally possessive and have a hard time letting go. It's happened before with things (jobs, projects) I've done, and it'll probably keep on happening. Like my editing job. I finally figured out the things I was supposed to do, and now someone else is doing my job. And I bet she's not as good as me. In an email she wrote "alot" and I snickered.

There's no point to this. I've just been thinking about it a lot lately.