Me, me, me
Tuesday, January 1, 2002 x 2 - 22:29

I can't figure myself out. I have an incredibly low self-esteem, but at the same time I'm incredibly arrogant. I know I'm a huge dipshit at school, but I also assume that I'm going to get good grades. I know I'm dumb, but I also kind of think that I must be smart even though I don't realize it.

A couple minutes ago I realized that I hadn't checked my grades from last quarter. So I got all nervous. My heart started pounding wildly. I got all shaky/shakey. I completely deserved a bad grade in at least one class. But of course I didn't get a bad grade. I got As. Damn bastard professors. They probably wanted to give me a B (in grad school, B = Bad, as I've told you before), but didn't want to hurt my feelings or something.

You know all those people who talk about themselves like they're all self-aware and crap? They're the people who like those games where you have to say "If I were a tree I'd be an Italian stone pine, because I am resilient and supple" or "If I were an animal I'd be a giraffe because I always stand out in a crowd". I never knew what to say for those stupid things. I'd always say stuff like "If I were a tree I'd be a maple, because that's the only tree I can think of now" or "If I were an animal I'd be a cat, because I like cats". I have no idea what I'm like. I am not self-aware. I have no idea what other people think of me. I don't even know what I think of myself.

But a few days ago I had an epiphany of self-awareness: I am cautious. Yes, I'm cautious. That's one adjective that I'm sure applies to me. Maybe I'm too cautious. I must be, if that's the one character attribute that I'm aware of. I must be dripping with cautiousness, in order for me to be aware of it. Oh dear.

Cautious. Identifying this attribute is one step on the road of self-awareness. It doesn't help when playing those stupid games though.

(If anyone has any other adjectives, such as resilient or supple, that you think might apply to me, feel free to let me know.)

p.s. "Supple and smooth to her soft fingertips." That's part of a poem that I had to memorize in 10th grade. I forget who wrote it. It was about Eve. The "supple and smooth" part made me embarrassed, so when I had to recite it in front of the class I mumbled that part really fast. That poem had a good beat, whatever it was.