Shit story
Saturday, Jan. 19, 2019 - 20:42

If you're eating anything right now, finish it before you read on. Thank you. Please sit back, relax, and read about the most disgusting thing I've ever experienced.

My dog and I were out on our walk last night, as we do, and we were in an area where I let him go off leash. He runs around and sniffs things but generally stays with me, unless he finds something very smell-worthy that he has to stop and sniff.

That's what happened - he stopped, wandered off, I walked on a ways whistling and calling for him, and when he didn't come for a while I went back to find him.

I went to a spot he'd stopped at a week or two ago, but he wasn't there, so I had to track his prints in the snow, which led me to this little shed with a bunch of pallets stacked next to it. It smelled like a cattle yard. My dog was 10 or 15 feet away but wouldn't come to me or look at me, so I went after him and finally got him. I put his leash on him and smelled his mouth. It smelled like a cattle yard.

We went back over to the shed area so I could try to figure out what he'd eaten, but I couldn't really tell. But I knew. There were some socks in the snow next to a little brown spot. It was a hobo bathroom. My dog had eaten human shit.

We walked through the park and I put his leash on when we got to the bridge. He burped right at that moment and I got a whiff of it and it turned my stomach - a burp of stomach acids and shit. I gagged. I decided to try to make him throw up.

We got home, I got my hydrogen peroxide, and all I had was 2 tablespoons left, which was perfect - a dose for him would be 2 to 3 tablespoons. I gave him the hydrogen peroxide and we waited.

We hung out in the yard. We went for a walk. We hung out in the yard again. No barfing. You can give a dog another dose if it hasn't barfed in 15 or 20 minutes, but I didn't have any more, so I was going to have to go to the store to buy another bottle.

I didn't want to leave him alone in the yard, and I didn't want to put him in my car, so we walked to the store. We've never done this because a friend of mine had his dog stolen when it was tied up outside a cafe that he was eating at, so I've always been worried about dognappers. You know? But I figured I'd be quick just getting one thing and there wasn't anything else to do anyway. So we walked to the store and I tied him up to the bike rack.

I got the hydrogen peroxide and then got into the slowest checkout line possible. It was a surprisingly busy time at the store. My checker needed to adjust her name badge before she could check me out. Meanwhile, my dog was outside probably being dognapped!

But he was still there when I got back outside, and we started walking home. He'd been fine on the walk over and I'd decided not to give him a second dose - he'd probably be okay. He went off into the snow like he needed to poop, but then changed his mind. Then I noticed he was drooling and I knew he was finally going to barf.

He barfed up the biggest pile of shit you've ever seen. Gobs of shit. He'd completely gorged himself on shit. His entire stomach must have been filled up WITH HUMAN SHIT. He'd eaten multiple piles of human shit.

I didn't even get a whiff of it but started gagging. I thought about taking a picture but I would have barfed myself if I'd spent one more second looking at the mountain of shit. It was awful. I gagged for the next half a block.

Never again will I give him kisses. Never again will I let him give me kisses. Never again will he sleep in my bed with me.* This is a damn shame, because he was only getting cuter and sweeter and softer.

Thank god I made him throw up - I can't imagine him digesting (or redigesting) all that goddamn shit. Gross.

This morning I told this story to a couple friends and they were gagging. I hope it's grossed you out as well. I'm sorry, but I need to share it so that I can go on with my life.

* Tomorrow he's getting a bath with his medicated shampoo, and I'm going to get him a doggie toothbrush and toothpaste to brush his teeth, and after that I think he might be decontaminated enough for me to resume friendly interactions with him.