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January 5, -17 degrees It's -17 right now but on Monday it will be 37 degrees and raining, or so they're saying at the moment. But at least we're not Denver - in Denver on Monday it'll be 60 degrees! What!!! What is Mother Nature thinking! I can only surmise that she's pissed off about people grumbling about the cold. She's probably been having to take the bus to work because her car is broken down and her POS husband Father Time is too busy doing whatever retired good-for-nothings do (trolling conspiracy theories around the internet, calling the cops on the neighbors, watching daytime talk shows) to get it fixed - so she has to listen to these assholes on the bus every morning complain about the cold. Weren't they just complaining about how it's been too warm and the goddamn pine beetles are killing all the forests? Didn't they want this? But now they have it they don't want it. There's no pleasing these people. Mother Nature grumbles to herself as she sits down at her desk. She boots up her computer. It takes about 15 minutes for everything to get going. Why don't they buy her a new goddamn computer? Whatever. It's not like she's got an important job or anything. She rolls her eyes at Colleen in the cubicle across from hers. On their first morning smoke break she and Colleen exchange sarcastic synopses of their weekends. "Well I had a great weekend," Colleen says, blowing smoke out of the side of her mouth in an attempt to direct the smoke away from the entrance door. "The entire weekend was a shitshow. Vinny broke the laundry two weeks ago and it stinks like a gym locker room all over. I told him he's gotta move out, I just can't take it anymore." "He's gotta move out," Mother Nature agreed. "Big baby living with momma, he's gotta move out." "He's gotta move out," Colleen says. "How 'bout you? You get that husband of yours off his butt at all?" Mother Nature snorts. "The guy's killing me," she says. "What a lump," Colleen says. "So I'm riding the bus this morning and this idiot comes on with no gloves on and no hat and he starts complaining about how cold it is," Mother Nature says. She rolls her eyes. Colleen rolls her eyes back at her. "This is what they wanted, isn't it?" Colleen says. "That's what I'm saying!" Mother Nature says. "Then the guy says Mother Nature's a bitch! And the whole time I'm sitting there thinking, you miserable creep, I'm gonna get you..." "You show him who's a bitch," Colleen says. "Exactly," Mother Nature says. She throws her cigarette butt on the ground. Colleen does the same and they go back inside. Three days later the high temperature is 50 degrees higher than it had been, and it rains. The ground is still frozen so the rain turns to ice on contact. Cars crash all over the place. Ankles break, ice dams explode, water and snow and ice are everywhere. At 4:55, right as Mother Nature is packing up to go home, her boss comes into the office, red-faced. "What's going on?" he asks angrily. Mother Nature feigns innocence. "You can't be doing this!" he says. "You're an office assistant. Your computer isn't even connected to the network anymore. I don't know how you manage to keep changing the forecasts. This is your last warning, Mother Nature. Do not try to influence the weather again, or you will face serious repercussions." "Nature will find a way," Mother Nature mutters to herself as she packs up her bag. She rolls her eyes at Colleen as she walks out the door. "Have a great evening," Mother Nature says sarcastically. "Yeah sure, I'm going to have a GREAT evening," Colleen says. "You too." "Yeah right," Mother Nature says. "Ten bucks says my car is sitting right where I left it and he isn't even out of his pajamas." "And twenty bucks says everyone on the bus is mad about this rain," Colleen says. Mother Nature grumbles to herself on the way to the bus stop. "These jerks don't like this warm weather now, huh? I'll show them. You want winter back, you'll get winter back."
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