Why I'm offended by coffee
Wensday, April 4, 2001 - 10:47

Many moons ago, when I was a wee freshman at college, I got a work study job as a slave in the office of an academic program. The administrative assistant there was very sensitive, very easily offended, and fairly dumb.

One day, right after I started, she pulled me aside and asked me very quietly if I was offended by coffee.

"What [the fuck] do you mean?" I asked.

"You know, having coffee around, people drinking coffee, people talking about coffee," she said.

"No, I'm not offended by coffee," I said. The thought had never even crossed my mind. I didn't know coffee could be offensive.

But I think that dumb administrative assistant jinxed me, because now I am offended by coffee, damn it. Especially when certain people who are staying with me make it every morning and stink up my apartment. I don't like the smell. I don't like that they leave their (actually my) browned coffee cups all over. People think I'm a lower human because I'm not addicted to coffee. And I don't like it when people talk about coffee.

Coffee offends me now, okay? I'm a very sensitive person.

Random Pearl Jam lyric: I'd rather be with an animal.