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August 24 Big news around here is fire. I went to boxing Monday after work and when I came out there was a fire in the hills north of town. Planes circling, looking like little birds until you got close. I got home and one of those new firefighting helicopters came over the house. Plane engines buzzing, seemed like the fire was just a mile away, although it was more like five. Sunday night I was woken up twice by smoke. The first time I thought it was some a-hole out in the street smoking a cigarette and exhaling like an elephant. The second time I thought it was some a-hole smoking out on the front porch. I got mad, got up, closed my bedroom window, turned off the fan in the bathroom. In the morning I figured out - it wasn't cigarette smoke, it was wildfire smoke, rolled into town around 3:45, sharp and pungent. Blew out in the afternoon. Since then it's been hazy, whiffs of smoke here and there, but the sun is not blotted out of the pink sky. The puppy and his roommate might be heading home in a couple weeks, if they get good news at the next follow-up appointment. I feel dead inside. I miss them, I've missed them all summer, but maybe they don't even exist, maybe nothing is real. How am I supposed to know if anything is real? I can't even get myself to drink water even when I'm thirsty. I've tried to keep myself busy. I have tried to do my best but my apartment is a mess and I can never get a handle on it. I have too much stuff, I don't clean up after myself, I stay up too late and find myself putting laundry away at 11:30 on Sunday nights so I can get into my bed. This Sunday I was up after midnight and what was I doing? I was watching youtube videos and playing computer games. Maybe not "dead inside" - that's surely exaggeration, but I feel numb, momentarily at least. They've been gone seven dog summers. I'm hard on myself too. I'm doing fine. I need to just shut up and read my book. I'm on the part in Gone with the Wind where there's the Civil War, so it's very exciting.
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