Writer's Retreat: A Report
Tuesday, Sept. 08, 2015 - 17:24

I have not slept well at all the last two nights and I'm not quite sure why. I'm very tired today. And my ears are still plugged and ringing. I've decided to stop fucking with them for a while because that clearly hasn't been working.

The writer's retreat was okay. It started off pretty badly but got better towards the end, I guess.

The other participants and I are not going to be best friends. They had all arrived on Wednesday and seemed to be all buddy-buddy by the time I got there on Friday. After we met I heard them laughing and saying something about the White Witch from the Chronicles of Narnia, which isn't very nice. It was freezing out and I was wearing all white, so what?

They all rushed off to poetry yoga (barf) while I got settled into my cabin. I thought the pool boy, at least, might be a friendly face, but he turned out to be gay, so whatever.

I got nice and toasty at cocktail hour, and dinner was good, but the campfire smoked up my furs, so I went to bed pretty early.

At breakfast Saturday I still felt like the odd man out so I decided to stay in that day and not participate due to my ear problems. I didn't miss anything - the writing prompt was stupid - "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is," attributed to Kurt Vonnegut just to be pretentious - I mean hasn't everyone in the entire world said that at one point or another?

The proprietress of the retreat is a nutjob. She and I aren't going to be best friends, either. Her hair is a mess and she never finishes her sentences. Although I do have to admit that the cabins are lovely and she must make a killing off of these writer's retreats. Idiots who believe that they're talented will pay hundreds and hundreds of dollars to make themselves feel special.

At one of the roundtables, this guy Wally read a story he'd written and it was obviously just porn barely disguised as science fiction, but the others seemed to think it was great literature. Then this lady named Linda read a poem she'd written about being abused as a child and everyone except me started crying. Then they all ran off to poetry yoga again and I went to the spa.

Sunday was a little warmer and I went on a horseback ride, which was the highlight of the weekend for me. I'm a natural horsewoman and felt quite at ease for the first time all weekend. Wally had problems with his horse and fell off twice. I had to hide my smile but it was very funny. Esther, this woman from Connecticut who has a rich husband and two very chubby kids, got lost for half an hour before we found her reciting some crazy words to herself next to a stream. Everyone thought it was very dramatic and then they all decided to write about it for the next roundtable.

The guide for the horseback ride was a very attractive cowboy named Luke and I've decided to stay at the ranch for the rest of the week in order to woo him. I believe I shall be successful. No I did not write anything at all, all weekend long.