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I just want it to be December 15 right now Given my last entry... well, I shouldn't, but I'm going to anyway. I'm trying to figure out how I got into this mess. What did I do, and where did I go wrong? Was it when I chose freedom and the chance at happiness over staying in a relationship that wasn't good for either of us? I'd made a vow but I tend to think of stuff like that as meaningless fluffery - but what if it actually meant something to the Universe and I am now receiving what I deserve? Is it a coincidence that three times today I've gotten the Blue Screen of Death? I don't know. You do well in school, you have high analytical aptitude, you do well on all the standardized tests, but you find yourself working three jobs in order to make $1400 a month. You try to be a good person, you try not to be judgmental, you try to lead a varied and interesting and active life, and you still don't have any friends. (My definition of friend is the problem there.) I realize I'm lucky and blessed and fortunate and my life is so privileged, and I do not begrudge anyone their happiness and I am not jealous of them. But somewhere I think I went wrong and if it's that I got divorced, if Catholicism is actually right, then I'm wrong about absolutely everything. I'm hard on myself, obviously, and I work hard - I've worked hard here in this town and I've stuck around for over three years now and I don't know if it will ever pay off. Is it worth it? I can't even afford to buy a fucking battery for my laptop. And at least I have a laptop. Even if it's blue-screening more frequently now. I don't know how successful SpyBot is at removing Trojans. I'm okay, just sad for a second. And it takes a long time to scan, reboot, update, scan, reboot, etc. Arrrgh.
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