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- It's very cold today, but clear - sunny. Yoga tonight. Had a good dinner last night, didn't have to pay for my wine. Slept well. Except for my great bed, my life is in the crapper. My car is dead, won't start, clicking noise and no juice. Maybe it's the battery, maybe it's not. Found a nice house to move to but I'd need to find a roommate. Don't have many prospects, no prospects. I'm very lucky - I'm healthy, my family is fine - don't think I don't realize that, that I'm not grateful for it. I miss my dad and think about moving back home. My sister told me about Halloween there, though, and I know I'd rather be here. My radio show was fine this week. I kept the phone off the hook for a while but someone called the secret second line so I answered - a DJ wanting to know who I was playing. After we hung up, a few others called in saying they liked my show. That's always nice to hear, you know? I've been getting calls like that lately. Validation, it's a nice thing. The DJ who'd called, I met him through the brown-eyed baker, and how do you explain anything? I didn't tell you, when I was in Seattle, I found out - they got married last month. Do I need to tell you who? He married her, they got married. He pursued her behind my back and in front of my face and then they got married. I also didn't tell you, I found out the same week, my exhusband's new wife is pregnant. They are happy. Don't think I am jealous - it's not quite that. Or maybe it is in a certain way, but I don't want to be married to an asshole, I don't want to have kids with the wrong person. All the guys I've been involved with have moved on from me to greener pastures. I am proud of what I've done for myself the last five years, but I did think it would eventually get me somewhere, and it doesn't look like it will. I'm a good person and in the greater scheme of things I'm a successful person. Macroscopically I'm fine, microscopically I'm an absolute failure. Or maybe it's the other way around. Maybe it's both. Remember when I wanted to start a genius club? I just meant that I was lonely. I wrote in my journal on Sunday night that I hoped things would change - "Please I hope something changes" I said. I meant change in my own little private world. Two days later America elected a new president. Five years ago, who would have guessed this? Listening obsessively to Bon Iver, The Wolves (Act I and II), but I've been doing that for a while.
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