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- I can't sleep when I drink. As you may know. Doesn't matter how much I drink - one beer to shitfaced - or when I go to bed - 9 p.m. or 3 a.m. - I cannot stay asleep. I wake up at 4 a.m. or 6 a.m. and I lie there in the dark for hours feeling shitty. (Aside: 'lie', being the intransitive, is prescriptively correct in the previous sentence, but it sounds stupid to me. I had to force myself to type it, and I should be okay with it, but fuck it.) As I was saying, I lay there in the dark for hours feeling shitty, thinking about grammar and such. (Another aside: if you're upset by my progressive use of 'lay' as intransitive, you could pretend that the previous sentence is in the past tense, the past tense of 'lie', of course' being 'lay'. It's not in the past tense, fyi, but if it makes you feel better to think that, feel free.) This drunken sleeplessness, it is a curse upon my house, perhaps the result of a voodoo curse (or a hoodoo curse) inflicted by someone I wronged in the past. I don't know, it's a mystery. However I would like to announce the following: that I had two glasses of wine last night, rode home wobbly in the dark (with my helmet, headlight, and taillight in full employ - I am super mature now), ate rice and drank Gatorade, and went to bed. And when my alarm woke me up in the early morning hours when it was still dark and terrible outside (6:51) I realized to my delight that I'd been asleep the entire night. I had decided a couple weeks ago to never drink beer again because it makes me feel like poo (and also, as previously mentioned, wakes me up in the early morning), although I haven't necessarily stuck to that decision, it being a rash and insincere one and my social life being the beehive of activity and frivolity that it is. I also decided to test my alcoholic insomnia with different types of alcohol to see if there was any difference between them, although previous experiments involving the following resulted in no difference, only a cold and indecipherable insomnia: beer, vodka, gin, bourbon, champagne, and perhaps a vomitous mixture of two (or three?) of the aforementioned beverages on one (or two) occasion(s). To wit: perhaps I will experiment more (although I hope not, barf), but after one successful evening I am prepared to say that, perhaps, wine doesn't wake me up. Thank you and good day.
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