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- Maybe, if we could rewind things a year, if we could go back and redo things without all the acting and games, if we could make ourselves communicate honestly and openly, maybe I could have gotten over it then instead of putting it off until today. I still miss my friend, what can I say. I still miss my friend. I sit in rooms in an old west town and it is mind-boggling to me that two weeks ago I was in sunny southern California and later that same day I was in Seattle and both of those are lives I've lived and here I am now in yet another life and somehow they're all connected through me even though it doesn't feel like it, even though I don't feel like a person who's lived anything. Somehow, someway, time marched on and I went with it and instead of marching in any particular direction or down any particular street I sat down on the curb and started writing vapid vacuous unintelligible la di da and I laughed at it and made fun of it but today and right now I don't want to write anything else and I couldn't even if I wanted to. It's taken over everything, this vapid vacuous unintelligibility. That is my life, that is me, sitting on a curb while the march of time goes by me and I'm not waving a flag, I'm not wearing star-shaped sunglasses, I'm not even noticing what's going on around me. I don't know how it happened, how I could have spent an entire year - all the hours and minutes and seconds that go by in a year, all the words we typed at each other and words we said to each other and laughs we threw at each other and looks we threw at each other, arms, hands, eyes, mouths, - smiles - and it suddenly completely turned into nothing at all and if it weren't for the written record of it it never would have existed and if I go back and read what it was - there's the proof, there's the proof - it doesn't make anything better at all because I just don't know what to think right now. I want peace but peace is fucking boring. I will stop crying and I will type what I saw this morning: I was walking to campus, walking across the river, and right over the footbridge there's this bald eagle flying down to a tree where there's another bald eagle. "A sign," I think. "A good sign for the start of the semester." The bald eagle, a symbol of freedom. Then I think some more. The bald eagle, a symbol of America. America. America does not stand for freedom and peace anymore, no, America stands for oppression and aggression and war and war is kind of exactly the opposite of peace and so this bald eagle flying over my path to school is not a good sign for the semester, it is a bad bad omen oh my god! But my mind was just kidding, it has a sense of humor sometimes. I'm not getting over this. Dealing with two things at once, it's like downloading two files at the same time, it takes longer, it takes them both longer. Maybe one's bigger than the other, okay, get that one taken care of, okay. And then you've still got the other. Neglected? Honest? How do I deal with this? I want the Chinese Happy Pills again. Maybe this is chemical. I don't want to face any of this. I want it to be a game again. You know, when I'm done with school here, I can go anywhere and do anything and be anything and I think I might want to go home. It might be giving up but I might have been delusional all along. It might just be accepting that.
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