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current time zone: I know I am weird and I know I am weird about writing but the things I want to write right now can't be written just anywhere willy-nilly, no. Things don't work like that. This morning in class I wrote a letter to the Fates and to God with a capital G. Normally when I use that word I don't capitalize it because normally when I use that word I am being what is called blasphemous. Normally I like to call it the Fates anyway. Today though I wrote a letter a plea to God, to the Fates. I am a Pisces, I am psychic, but I have no idea what is going to happen. I don't even know if ANYTHING is going to happen. I am staring down the rest of my life and what if it turns out that nothing comes of it at all? That I'm just sitting here in my head being uselessly dramatic? I have known I have believed so firmly that I was going the right direction, the direction that led me to Seattle. But then that's as far as I could see. Then what? That's where I am now. Now what? Am I supposed to be doing this? Is this the right thing or did I fuck everything up immensely, irrevocably, by being my cold hard self? Am I retarded? Am I? I wanted a deus ex machina, I couldn't see anything that would happen, but no deus ex machina came to save me. This is ridiculously dramatic but it's all related to everything that I'm not writing about here right now. And in my head all these things go on and how can you blame me when I get a CD titled "more songs for kelsi" and that means there's another one somewhere called just "songs for kelsi" and maybe it doesn't mean anything but my brain wants to think it means something. My brain wants to think these recent developments are a hello again but maybe they're just a final goodbye. How the fuck do I know? I am retarded. I've said enough, haven't I? Or should I say something like thank you? I would like him to make a third move, or would it be a fourth move. Please make a fourth move, I don't know if I can move myself. Stupid, jesus, I'm going to shut up and put plastic on my windows now. I need some patience, that would be lovely.
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