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- I am exhausted. Why, because, I don't know. I stayed up late last night but slept fine and got up early enough to think, wow, morning, I should do this more often. In class this morning I was daydreaming, oh. I was busy, all morning, at lunch, getting ready for teaching. I couldn't get online until this afternoon, my office hours, and then finally I could and then *clink* and now I'm like, fuck. Because, fuck. Because, I shake and get nervous and daydream all day and night and for what? Why? Why now? I'm exhausted and I just want to get into bed and not think about anything at all. Is this going to turn into some sort of bullshit pattern? Is this confined to the realm of gmail chat? Or is this a lead-in into something more, like being real live friends? If I called him would he answer now? I daydream that he might come here with Kevin but that won't happen, so I daydream that he'll come here by himself, but that won't happen either, because why? What? Jesus. See, I exhaust myself. Okay, I'm going to stop. So he got back in touch with me, two days in a row. Leave it at that. What will happen next week, I don't know. I'm going to go buy some wine now. Lots of it, maybe.
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