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- The kind of thing I want to write needs to be written now, I just realized. It can't be written when I'm happy and who knows when that might happen - it could happen any day now, it could happen next week. Time is of the essence. This thing will be terrible and crushing and that's how I am now, crushed, I'm crushed. I have no characters for this and I can't use old ones. It's not Mabel Mains and Tony Caponi - they are sweet and cute and yes they have a big fight or whatever (that hasn't been written yet) and they break up and Mabel is neurotic and Tony can be a jerk but they are adorable. I need characters. What are their names? I'll take suggestions. They're in Seattle. There's a cathartic scene at Green Lake. What do they do? How do they meet? How transparently autobiographical will this be? I can't even talk about this now, can I write about it? Don't I want bigger themes? Don't I want it to be about bullshit, fakery, image, fucking hypocrites, form without function? Development? The journeys of our lives, our amazing lives? Times and laughter and love, fucking love. Detail, how much detail, excruciating detail, how do I tell this story, how do I do this? Can I? Can I write a story that makes people cry? I can only write silly stories, I write nonsense, I write about gay fishes and murderous horses and inexplicably violent teenage girls. I write about vague psychotics and annoying whirlwinds of girls. I write about half-retarded murderers and girls who get hit in the head with sticks and everyone in all my stories has a funny name. Here is a serious story and it will be crap and if anyone ever reads it they will laugh but I will cry as I write it but I can't start because I always start with the names, first I need the names. p.s. Someone from South Carolina called my phone today.
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