and there was a traffic jam on the freeway tonight, everyone is back in town and it was so nice without them
Tuesday, Jan. 03, 2006 - 18:03

p.s. It is so nice to not have anything to do.

I will send him an email. Calling would be way rad on my part and yes I have resolved to be rad this year but calling also is likely to be awkward (given my verbal skills and my idiocy as well as the out-of-the-blueness of this projected call) and - email gives him the chance to not be put on the spot. However, if he doesn't respond I will never know if it's because of him or because of hotmail. I will never know, I will die wondering.

Maybe I shouldn't write. We already know what will happen.

I am not an Eeyore, I'm just trying to not set myself up. You know?

In other news. My to-do list is one giant page long and includes things like buying toothpaste and contact solution, writing a statement of purpose, sending emails requesting letters of recommendation, buying CDs, getting film developed, deciding what to do with my hair, and finding a doctor.

There are all these shows popping up that are vaguely interesting: Mark Kozelek, Stars, Jeff Tweedy, and others all the time, every week, and I think my strategy of wearing myself out on shows has worked because every interesting show I see I'm like, ehh, damn it, why? and I sort of decide not to go because damn it there are other things to do and sleeping to be slept.

This is good, maybe I will be sick of Seattle by the time I move.

(I doubt it. This is wishful thinking. I am actually becoming more and more addicted to live music and more involved in the Seattle music scene. (Not actively. But I'm starting to recognize people at shows, people I see all the time, we acknowledge each other, it's weird.))

Of course calling him would be more old fashioned. But seriously. No, I'll email. Um, tomorrow. I will invite him to the party at my house?

?

Maybe I shouldn't, maybe I'll see him again at some show and maybe I'll be rad enough to actually talk to him? Maybe I should shut up and just email him. But what if I email him and he never writes back and then I see him at a show and if I hadn't emailed him I could've talked to him but since I did and he didn't respond I can't because I'll seem like some obsessed stalker! Oh my god!

I'll email him, tomorrow.

Dear boy my old cute friend,

It upsets me to know you right now. I do not want to think poorly of you and I think that knowing you right now might make me start to. I do not want you to think poorly of me and apparently you've been going that direction these last couple months. We do not rub each other the right way these days. You call me and ask if I want to go to lunch and once upon a time I would have said yes even though I brought a lunch but today I said no. We haven't seen each other in nearly two weeks or actually honestly realistically a couple months or more and I don't want to right now. Once someone loses me it's very hard for me to believe in them again, hard or maybe impossible. I don't want to make up my mind about you right now because it wouldn't be good. If I could stick with it this would be a Dear John letter of sorts. Write to me in eight months maybe.

And so I occupy my time with thoughts of others and of you too, I will admit this right now. Remember when we used to make each other laugh.

Anyway you know I just want you to be happy.

Love,

*****

p.s.2. NEVER MIND apparently the Strokes are playing at the Crocodile on Thursday night and by dog I want to go but you have to listen to the fucking End to win tickets, pissfuck. So I will be in a bad mood for the next couple days, either because I will be listening to crapass commercial radio or because I will have given up and will be bitter. Fucking hype, fucking commercial radio.