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I'm sorry Why are people so opinionated about Broken Social Scene? Thank you. Have a nice weekend, have a nice Thanksgiving. Minor ten minute panic, summarized as follows: Dad called, exbestfriend is living in hometown and called him about a job I'd be perfect for, bring my resume with me tomorrow, etc. I cannot go back there. I love my hometown more than words, it is where I'm from, it's who I am, it's home... I have been so homesick and lifesick recently and it would be so easy to move back home you see. My friend the boy asked me if I take risks. For the last nearly three years that's what I've been living. It was not easy to break up with the person I'd spent a third of my life with, it was not easy to quit school, it was not easy to move back home, it was not easy to suck up my pride and work as a maid, it was not easy to go to Australia by myself, it was not easy to work at a job with all boys, it was not easy to move to Seattle by myself, it is not easy to go to shows in bars by myself, it was not easy to crawl over to the cute boy that one night and kiss him. Maybe all these things are minor and laughable, maybe I could have been doing more, I know but they were big things for me. Moving back home would be so easy and comfortable and I cannot do it and it makes me freak out because I will go home tomorrow and what if I decide to do it? I can't move away from Seattle right now, I can't even go back home for just next summer, and my hometown in the summer is the best place in the world. Here was my plan, almost three years ago: go back to the US, break up with my husband, move my stuff back to my parents' house, go back to Australia, and then move to Seattle. That was all very clear to me, I knew all that would happen. Now I've done it and I have no idea what will come next and oh my god what if it's moving back home? I have not done everything I've done just to move back there right now. There is more for me to do, more. I would love to move back there, but in like eight years. Not now, I can't. I told him I don't think I'm afraid of failure, I think it's that I'm afraid of finding out I'm average, mediocre. Mediocrity, fuck, jesus, but maybe I'm just sitting here at this bar gathering moss and unpaid bills and fooling myself I WISH YOU COULD READ THIS I WISH I COULD TELL YOU THIS. Ack. So what will happen? I might go to Central America with my sister instead of Australia by myself. And I don't know but maybe next fall I will be back in my college town and maybe my new friend will be there too, but jesus what am I supposed to think about that? But can I leave Seattle and why am I thinking about this already? I'm sorry for recording my freakouts but if I didn't do that I wouldn't have anything to write about. I realize that it's all okay, it's all good, it's all part of it, life. My life has been amazing you know, more amazing in the last three years than anything I could have imagined, and it will continue to be amazing. It's okay, I'm okay. (So it wasn't a minor ten minute panic it was a medium one hour panic. But I am okay, okay, I will not leave yet because I can't.)
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