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things I write at work ----------------- I am freaking out. Let us blame it on my genes. I am freaking out because of an anticipated move east - not back east, still west - and not now but in six months. What sort of life do I even have here and why would I freak out about leaving it? Music? Oh my god do I even go to shows that often? Do I ever want to go to shows? I always have to force myself, I always hate it, I'm always alone. So I'm not ready to leave Seattle yet, so I still have so much more I want to do here - okay, I'm not planning to leave for six months, there's time, calm down. But I don't exactly know why I'm freaking out. All I know is that suddenly again I'm anxious - unidentified anxiety. Oh I'd forgotten - Iron & Wine did All Tomorrow's Parties and the beginning of it was so fantastic and everyone (I) was so surprised when it turned out to be the song it was. Groovy. And as soon as I move away Sonic Youth will come to Seattle. You know it and I know it and Sonic Youth knows it too.
I am listening to "you will soon be murdered" music. (Stan Douglas.) I am bates checking. I am wasting away, atrophying. Help me I am addicted to lattes, tall latte $2.62 I must get one, I wait for 3:00 when they have them 50 cents off, espresso creations. A girl with a puffy white coat walked by - I used to work at a ski resort! I used to be comfortable in my life! The other day a sudden jolt of wanderlust: I get off a train in a new town, it is warm and sunny, I have a suitcase, I eat lunch in a restaurant on the main street. So many times that was me! But not now - there is no time for leisure, I am in this unnatural sad race, a race for: something. Something - a real job, the cute boy, the right words, a good picture, the best music - concert, album -, clothes, correspondence, sell my truck, buy a new computer, and all the money I can horde. It is a sad race, have no doubt. And my journeys by train were sad too - running away, when a town (myself) lost its lustre or got too complicated I'd leave, and how I'd like to do that now this fucking week, start over once more, leave the friends I don't have and spend thousands of minutes wondering if he misses me too. I do have friends though even though I don't want them - I dig my own hole that I choose to stand in. And the music I listen to is excellent. And the cute boy is cute and he would miss me. And I won't leave yet - the thought freaks me out yes freaks me out, near panic attack at Bright Eyes last week contemplating leaving this city. I am not ready to leave of course. But but what am I waiting for. WHAT AM I WAITING FOR? WHAT AM I DOING? (I know exactly what I'm doing, don't be fooled. I do - I just... don't. I don't know anything but it's all in the plan, and this struggle against myself is just what I do.) Oh my life, I wish for so many things. I would like to be a keeper of bees. And I would like to wander again without an itinerary, just once more, get off a plane or a train and go hmm, okay, now what? ------------------- Blind date with the chancer A shady lane -- everybody wants one Glance, don't stare A shady lane -- everybody wants one (Pavement - Shady Lane)
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