Wednesday update number two: the evening.
Wednesday, Oct. 19, 2005 - 19:28

Evening update time!

1. House. Wrote back. Used exclamation points. Got a response: "Glad you're excited." I'm so lame! But still moving in! Next weekend! Ha ha ha ha ha.

2. 5:00, went home, went jogging.

3. Got a message from my unfriend the cute boy after I returned: "Please laugh sometime tonight... or at least smile." I responded: "I just went jogging, that counts. And why the fuck would you care if I smile or not?"

4. He left this afternoon, climbing in Utah until Sunday. And he sent me an email while I was still at work, saying, basically: Please accept my apologies for being me, I should have called last night regardless of when I got your message, I regret not doing that.

5. I wrote back, basically: No I don't accept your apologies for you being you, if you'd apologized for stringing me along or being a crappy "friend" I'd consider that. My life has been sucking the last month too and I could've used a friend, but you weren't there for me. [I also used the line about him being just one more turd on the pile of shit my life has been recently. It's a good line, of course I had to use it.] You're not my friend, and ha, remember when you tried to make me promise that whatever happened we'd still be friends? Ha! I don't need anyone shitting on me, I do that to myself enough. So stop leading me on, tell me the fucking truth, go have a nice weekend and I hope you don't read this until you get back because I'm still a fucking self-sacrificing pushover and don't want to upset you.

6. He wrote back a few minutes later: "Read..."

7. Left work, got on the bus, thought, oh no, he's getting on a plane and might die! So I sent him a message saying: "I should have also written, be safe. Have a good time, turd." To which he responded, "Gee thanks."

8. Then jogging, and the message about me smiling, and then me saying why the fuck do you care.

9. I'm feeling a little petty, juvenile, knee-jerking. Give me some words here, people, I've never taken psychology. Me saying snarky things and being a baby.

10. But also I'm sick of always UNDERSTANDING. He's been a shitty friend lately, can't I be pissed at him? Because I am. And, since I'm pissed, can't I say pissy things? Or am I being self-indulgent or passive-agressive or manipulative or anything? Seriously, I would like to know.

11. I am terribly uncommunicative and closed and stony and so is he.

12. I'm tired. Please, opinions, and psychological terminology. Am I retarded?

13. My bed, just to change the subject abruptly, is SO COMFORTABLE RIGHT NOW, I changed the bedding to my blue pinstriped sheets and my green flannel blanket and my purple down blanket and it is SO COMFORTABLY DELICIOUS I could sleep for hours and months. I will go to bed tonight, that's what I'll do.

14. I have emails to write but tonight I'm going to take a shower, eat some fucking tofu, and get into my BED. And maybe call my sister and dramafy her life a little.