I think it would probably be a good idea if I got into bed and watched a movie or read a book. I have things that I need to do but I'm jumbled. I'm shot.
Wednesday, Oct. 12, 2005 - 18:12

So yesterday morning was going to be weird anyway because I'd just spent the weekend at home and it's always weird to get back to Seattle and realize, oh, okay, I have to work, I don't have the life I've been thinking I had for the last three days.

And it was also going to be weird because my friend the cute boy decided not to go to work for personal and private reasons and it was going to be lonely and strange without him. He'd called me in the middle of the night Monday night, Tuesday morning more precisely, in the middle of a sort of breakdown/breakthrough. I think he had his breakdown a few weeks ago and has started to turn a corner, which can be as hard as the breakdown itself, you know? Do you know what I mean?

And so, already weird, and then 15 minutes after I got to work we got an email from the famous Jenn: all team meeting in 15 minutes. No smiley face on the subject line, and we'd just had an all team meeting on Friday. Robert the potty mouth immediately began spouting: What the fuck? Aww what now? Fucking goddamnit. Goddamnit fuck. Fucking hell, etc.

Anyway, basically, our main giant case settled, so they said to everyone: blah blah, ha ha ha, wow what a surprise, great job, this is litigation ha ha and this is what happens ha ha, we have so much work coming up, please turn in your badges and take your stuff home now. Don't call us, we'll call you. In a couple days.

This was said to the review attorneys. ATTORNEYS. Then they said: support staff, go talk to Jenn.

Recall, a week ago I got hired on. Had that not happened I would have been laid off yesterday.

I am still a temp, though, and I might get laid off tomorrow, or the next day, or not at all, I don't know, but for the last two days I have had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO AND I WAS RAISED CATHOLIC AND SO I FEEL GUILTY AND BAD JUST SITTING THERE DOING NOTHING AND GETTING PAID FOR IT. I SHOULD BE LAID OFF, I SHOULD BE FIRED, I AM BAD.

And then this morning my computer died and they had to build a new one for me. Which they did. And so I had to bill a lot of downtime. DOWNTIME. Even though it was legitimate, it still made me feel guilty, because it was keeping me from doing NOTHING.

I don't think my boss wants to let me go, she's trying to find work for me and I'm grateful for that. And once things settle down it'll all get busy again. It's just very weird right now with nothing to do and suddenly 75% of the team gone and this yucky feeling of being a bottom-of-the-totem-pole temp.

BARF.

And if I got laid off right now it would be terrible timing because I need to be spending my time looking for a new place to live (I ONLY HAVE A COUPLE WEEKS LEFT, IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THAT BASTARD RAD LANDLORD WHO DIDN'T CALL ME BACK A COUPLE WEEKS AGO, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO COOL, THAT CUTE RAT BASTARD BASTARD) and looking into going back to school next fall (which entails emailing professors I haven't been in touch with in a few years and saying, hi, um, maybe you could write a letter for me in the next couple months) and do I have to retake the GRE and I have to write a stupid personal statement and I hate that! I cannot write about myself! I hate bullshit! Why! Why am I doing this! No, but it will be good and I'm excited.

Anyway, never mind that whole paragraph right there, if you even read it, and I wouldn't have because I have no patience, but anyway what I meant to say was: if I got laid off it would totally suck, but I would deal with it and it would all be okay.

And things with the cute boy continue to be, and I go up and down, usually I'm up or at least level but right now I'm a tad down, and last night he put his hand on my knee and for some reason we always revert back to this awkward stage after not seeing each other for a few days where everything that's transpired never happened and we're back to our awkward dance. It's funny, but can also be frustrating or sad, depending on my state of mind. Perception. Reality. And things of that nature.

I am reading about the Beats again and it puts me in a weird place and makes me angry, actually, very angry, and I'm going to read Gertrude Stein next I SWEAR TO GOD. Because. I hate feeling it's a girl/boy thing but I kind of think it is and it pisses me off. I am a girl.

And writing, and having your own voice and not borrowing someone's else's.

Etc.