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- I know this is getting old but I have a delayed reaction to everything I guess and I've been very unsettled about this lately. Here's what I wrote in my paper journal a year ago: Sunday, July 11, 2004 8:11 ... On Friday night at 8:00 [psycho stalker] showed up at the house. I didn't answer the door, so he went away. But he came back half an hour later. I didn't answer the door again but he saw my mom out in the yard and talked to her. I hid. She came upstairs looking for me twice - the second time she found me and I said I didn't want to see him. She came back a little while later and said, "Who was that? What did you say to him?" I told her it was some guy who'd worked at [stupid unorganized unprofessional landscaping company] for a couple weeks, I hardly knew him, and I hadn't said anything to him - I hadn't even seen him in a couple weeks. She said he was very upset and could hardly talk - "Does he always talk like he's on the verge of crying?" She'd told him she couldn't find me, I must've gone for a bike ride - no, he said, she just doesn't want to see me. I just need some clarification, he said. I wish she'd been more forthright with me, he said, I wish she'd told me she was a lesbian. When my mom told me he'd said that I started laughing - I told [idiot coworker] to tell him that if he ever wanted to talk to him about me again. So that meant that [psycho stalker] had talked to [idiot coworker] again - and [idiot coworker] told him I'm a lesbian. I was a little nervous. I closed some blinds and locked the doors. Then I was on the computer and the phone rang. My dad handed me the phone. I said hello. Big sigh, then he started talking for like a minute straight - he'd sent me a letter, he thought it was a courteous thing to do to tell me how he felt, and he thought what I did was a very cold-hearted thing to do. - What did I do? I asked, the first thing I got to say. - Telling [idiot coworker] to tell him I'm a lesbian. Is it true or was it just to throw him off? Am I a lesbian? - I told him it's none of his business. - Why would I be like that? It's just a simple question. - Yeah, and I'm refusing to answer. - Why would you be like that? - Because it's none of your business. - Are you a lesbian? - It's none of your business. - Honesty is very important. If we're going to be friends we need to be honest with each other. - Yes, honesty is important (here's where I get rad:), and honestly I'm not interested. Don't call me, don't write me letters, and don't come to my house anymore. - He said okay, I said bye and hung up. I was shaking. I was fucking freaked out. He'd acted like I owed him something, like I'd led him on - he's delusional. I locked all the windows upstairs and then locked my door. As I lay in bed trying to go to sleep, I remembered: he carries a gun with him all the time. His crappy post-apocalyptic novel is full of violence. I woke up on Saturday sure that he'd broken in and shot my parents. I need to leave town, I think. Get away for a while. The guy's delusional, he's a fucking psycho - and he's fucking armed. So I think I'm going to go camping for a week or two... [My sister] told me to get a restraining order against him. I don't want to set him off. I'm hoping he won't turn out to be as psycho as he seems. But I told him to stay away - if he doesn't then I will go to the cops. (Friday night after he called I told my parents to call the cops if he showed up again. My dad said, "Well, we'll just -" "No, call the cops," I said. My dad said, "We don't have to -" and I said, "No, call the cops. I told him to leave me alone. If he shows up again, call the cops." "He's that weird?" my dad said. "Yeah, he's that weird.") Fuck him. What right does he have to do this, to make me scared in my own house, in my own hometown? Fuck him. ... Thursday, July 15, 2004 Okay, here goes. I'm at [a camping place], and, even though some guy just told some other people that they have the best spot in the whole freakin' place, I know I do. My spot is up and back, in a corner, hidden. If you're on the main path, or even any of the paths except the one that goes through the middle of my campsite, you can't see where I am at all. And those people have people walking through their site all the time. I got here yesterday. I meant to come on Tuesday but I didn't make it. Stayed in bed late that day after waking up early. Talked to [a person] Monday night. It calmed me down a lot. I haven't been to work since Monday. That morning I got to the office and told [lecherous boss] about [psycho stalker], how he'd sent me a letter out of the blue and then showed up at my house twice all upset and then called me. [Lecherous boss] said he'd have the police do a background check. I told him it had freaked me out. Then he called [idiot coworker] up and [idiot coworker] said [pscyho stalker] had gone out to his house on Friday and asked him if I'd gotten his letter. [Idiot coworker] told him yeah I'd gotten it and I wasn't interested because I'm a lesbian - like I'd told him to say. And then [psycho stalker] started crying and left. It weirded me out even more to hear that he'd started crying - that's serious delusion. That's nuts. So it was weird but I hoped it was over since he'd left me alone all weekend. [Idiot coworker] and [nice coworker] and I went to [town half an hour away]. It looked like it would be a good day. I like working with [nice coworker]. We stopped at [town on the way to the other town] store and then a little ways after that they noticed that we were being followed by a tall guy in a white car. Guess who. He followed us all the way to [town half an hour away] but turned around before we got to our job site. I was freaked out and shaking again. [Nice coworker] and [idiot coworker] wanted to beat him up. I was safe with them, but the fact that he has a gun (or says he does) really worried me. [Nice coworker] was in the Marines and was trained in how to take down an armed person. But still. [Idiot coworker] called [lecherous boss] and told him. It was a weird day. [Idiot coworker] was in a strange mood - I think he doesn't really like sharing me, as weird as that sounds. And I was always looking over my shoulder, down the street. We were trying to put the chain link fence back together - it had to be strung very tight - it required muscles - and I was no use. And so I decided that I've leave, stay away for a few days. At the office I gave [odd office lady] my timecard for this week. [Horribly-timed and stupid boy I'd gone on a terrible date with] was talking to her, probably about me. Poor guy, but sorry dude, terrible timing. I told [lecherous boss]. He thinks [psycho stalker]'s just trying to bully me and doesn't really carry a gun. That's what the cops told him. But I think they're wrong. He's not an ex-boyfriend or even someone I even know. His letter wasn't bullying, it was delusional. He thinks he likes me. He started crying when [idiot coworker] told him I was gay - that's not bullying, that's crazy. [Nice coworker] gave me a ride home and gave me his phone numbers. They all - [lecherous boss] included - wanted to beat [psycho stalker] up. I hope they don't - I think it would just set him off - but it's nice to know they'd protect me. They even were talking about killing him - they were joking, but serious [because they are fucking retarded]. I now know that in order to get a body to decompose quickly you bury it with lime. I told them not to kill him, that's gross, and I told [nice coworker] that if they do I would never be able to come back to work because I don't want to work with murderers. I was jittery when I got home. I left a message for [Mr. Pooh] to call me. And I called [a person] - I don't know why - to make sure he was safe, and to tell him I'd be gone for a while. Maybe to tell him my plans are uncertain now and I don't know how long I'll be staying in [my hometown]. I don't know, I just wanted to talk to him. But he wasn't there. I left a message with his brother for him to call me back. I'd just gotten out of the shower when he called. It calmed me down. [redacted] It was relaxing and it got me away from the retarded bullshit going on in [my hometown]. ... ... (Not from paper journal anymore.) A few weeks later idiot coworker told me that psycho stalker had lived across the alley from me when I was a teenager and used to watch me through the fence. Psycho stalker is like 40 years old. My friend Sarah at work asked me what class I'd take next, now that I'm done with glassblowing and my writing class - and I told her self-defense. She might take it with me.
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