I told you not to read this anymore and this is why. I was planning to work late today to make up time from yesterday but instead I said Fuck it dawg and left.
Tuesday, May. 03, 2005 - 19:58

What I want to know is where do people get the time? How can I work full time, write fiction as well as keep up my journals and online endeavours, take pictures, go to concerts, and sleep? Not to mention hang out in coffee shops reading the Stranger, go to record shops, go to the grocery store, do my laundry, and keep my houseplants alive? Not to mention read the news and stay informed about regional and national politics and events -- not to mention what's going on in the rest of the world. Not to mention do something with the crap I've created, i.e. put together a portfolio of my pictures as well as my writing -- except my writing never gets finished, there's nothing to put in a portfolio.

Oh my god how can I do this? I need a secretary, I need a pet robot. I need to start doing speed, or at least drinking coffee.

I'm feeling compelled to share my pictures with people -- this means I need to put together some sort of portfolio to show to someone who will want to hang them up in conspicuous places.

Oh my god and I want to think more about my writing -- do I really want to write fiction or should I just keep doing what I've been doing? What have I been doing?

How can I stay current on movies? When will I read books? How can anyone find the time to watch TV? There's just no time. I need to go back to Australia. Should I finish my thesis -- I mean finish any thesis, write any stinking thesis?

Fuck! Fuck fuck!

I need some new bras, I need to go jogging, I need to work on that script -- it's not hard, dumbass, just do it -- I need to send emails to people, I need to get birthday and Mother's Day presents, I need to get a plane ticket for the family reunion in June.

No, I'm serious, how do people do all the stuff they do?

Am I just a fake? Am I just oblivious to my pathetic pretention? My pictures aren't that great, I just want to share them with people. (BECAUSE I THINK THEY'RE GOOD, I'M SUCH A LOSER.)

My horoscope for this year said I need to get some sleep. -- she was crazy, there is no time for that!

How can I do what I feel like I need to do when I can't even articulate what it is?

I will never write a story structured like an orgasm, jesus christ. I will never call it "the craft". I will never write "word pieces". I write crap, that's what I do (I don't mean that pejoratively, just generically). I do crap, all I want to do is the crap I do and I don't want to have to "discuss" it or "explore" it.

Because I am immature! Adults structure stories like orgasms and have no problems with it! I'm just too immature!

I am pukingly pathetically pretentious. And that's awesome.

I wonder where you get speed. I wonder how much it costs. You lose weight with it, don't you?

I need to learn how to slow down time but I never will because I don't believe in time.

It would be nice if I were a robot because they don't need to eat or sleep (they just pretend to so I won't catch on -- they are so dumb! I caught on long ago!). Or magic, it would be nice if I were magic.

I buy CDs but can't get to know them intimately because there's so little time to listen to them!

[Ed. note: I wrote that at work, I was kind of freaking out. Then after work I went to Queen Anne and unfortunately found the best music store ever! and I bought a few more CDs. But when they're on sale for $7.99 how can you afford not to?! I'm so sure.

Then I got home and restrung my guitar. It's okay, we're all okay now.]