Book club meeting and writing contest entry
Tuesday, Oct. 19, 2004 x 2 - 17:40

Me: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another meeting of This Diary's Book Club. Tonight we will again be discussing Robinson Crusoe.

You: You know what I think is funny is how at the beginning he and his friend are getting schnockered and his friend calls him Bob. That's funny. That's the only good part in this book so far.

Me: Yeah that's great. Okay, the meeting is over, thanks for coming.

You: It's over? I didn't even get a chance to complain about it.

Me: It's over. Now I will present my writing contest entry. The theme this time was, What if Robinson Crusoe won the lottery? You can still enter it if you like, but you probably won't win. Just so you know. Also don't forget to read my return to haikuetry from earlier today.

You: Wow, you're just really full of yourself.

Me: Shut up! Go away! The meeting is over! You can't talk anymore!

You: Fine.

Me: Okay. So this starts out when Robinson Crusoe...

You: Bob.

Me: ...is running away to sea. It's on page 5 of my book.

[Here's the part leading up to where I cut in:]
... But being one day at Hull, where I went casually, and without any purpose of making an elopement that time; but I say, being there, and one of my companions being going by sea to London, in his father's ship, and prompting me to go with them, with the common allurement of sea-faring men, viz., that it should cost me nothing for my passage, I consulted neither father nor mother any more, nor so much as sent them word of it; but leaving them to hear of it as they might, without asking God's blessing, or my father's, without any consideration of circumstances or consequences, and in an ill hour, God knows, on the first of September, 1651, I went on board a ship bound for London. Never any young adventurer's misfortunes, I believe, began sooner, or continued longer than mine.

[And here's where we start:]
For no sooner had I stepped on board than I slipped upon the wooden boards which comprised the deck of that fateful ship and which were, due to erne droppings, rain, and sea water, exceedingly slick, and, I say, having slipped upon these boards, I crashed down upon my posterior, leaving me prostrate with agony and humilation upon the deck, and, hearing the laughter of the sailors who delighted in witnessing my unhappy entrance onto the ship, the red came quite heavily onto my cheeks, and water began flowing out of my eyes. Upon seeing this, the captain of the ship declared he would not have me aboard, called me a host of insulting and if I may say untrue names, picked me up by my britches without any regard for the bruises already suffered by my backside, and threw me out onto the dock, where I lay unable to move, inexpressibly sick in body, and terrified in mind, for I had never been on a dock by myself before, as the ship sailed away.

I was, I believe, the most wretched being alive, having attempted but failed to run away to sea, to leave my father's house and abandon all duty to God and to my father, and having through great misfortune and no fault of my own been humiliated and injured in body and mind by first the ship herself, and then her crew, and finally her captain, as well as the dock by which she lay.

Having no fare with which to hire a taxi, for I had bought me a new jacket and hat, I walked home, and stubbed my toe not once but twice; after the second occurence, which incurred such agony the likes of which no man has ever seen, I fell upon my knees and made many vows and resolutions, that if it would please God here to spare my life this one journey home, if ever I got once my foot inside my house again, I would never set it outside again; that I would take my father's advice, and never run myself into such miseries as these any more.

These wise and sober thoughts continued as I walked one more block to my home, where, foolish as I was, I forgot about them as soon as I lay me down to sleep that night.

The next morning, my kind, wise father asked me where I had been the previous afternoon, and I, being the unlucky wretched fool that I am, told him I had gone into the town to buy a Powerball ticket, whereupon my father asked to see the ticket to see which numbers I had chosen, in order to compare mine with those published in the newspaper which he read every morning, in order to determine whether I had won or not. In response to his query I made a show of looking through my pockets, knowing full well that no ticket would appear, because I hadn't bought one, having instead attempted to board a ship bound for London, which I did not wish my father to find out. And upon finding in my pockets only a tube of Chap Stick, a well-worn engraving of Mary Queen of Scots that had given me great pleasure, and a condom whose expiration date had long since passed, which I carried for show, and which I had long despaired of ever getting the opportunity to use, I exclaimed that my ticket must have fallen upon the ground and would surely be trod upon, and exited my father's house at full speed with the intention of purchasing a new ticket to replace the one I hadn't really bought.

But I was to have another trial for it still, for my journey into town was a frightful one, for Providence deemed it necessary to strike my toe upon the earth yet again, and as I lay upon the ground with the water coming out of my eyes, the water began also to fall from the clouds, marking permanently my new satin jacket and matching hat. I managed with fortitude and perseverance to pull myself up and continue on my way to the petrol station, whereupon I purchased a Powerball ticket and a confectionary item, and in due time it was discovered that I was the sole winner of the prize, for which feat I was forced to pose for portraits in numerous newspapers and magazines, the sitting for which aggravated greatly the tenderness of my posterior, for it had not yet had time to heal properly from the injury it had suffered; and I was endeavored upon by everyone I came upon to bestow my signature on pieces of paper for them to keep for posterity, and these signings got to be so many and so frequent that they soon cost me a great deal of time and effort, and ink; and I was ever after placed into a high tax bracket and forced to pay exceedingly high taxes. My mood was foul, for I moved into a great manor house, which cost me a great deal of time to decide upon, and for which I was forced to pay too much, and which had too many rooms, and so I was forced to hire many servants, who demanded that I part with even more of my money, in order to pay them. I also purchased a dozen fine horses, but was tricked into the deal, for I found soon afterwards that these horses, while seeming to be of high quality, periodically deposited heaps upon the ground that smelled exactly the same as the wretched beasts my father owned.

Soon thereafter a woman came to be my wife, who was regarded by everyone in the town to be a great beauty, and who came from a successful family of kings and queens in the country she came from, but soon after our wedding I came to discover that in the morning upon awakening, the breath which she expelled was quite foul smelling, and I could find no pleasure in it at all.

My misery increased when word came that the ship I had attempted to board had run into fierce weather, had foundered and sunk. Such adventure those brave seamen must have experienced, such vivifying freedom and excitement! I rued the day I had failed to run away to sea but been stopped by rain and the excrement of sea birds. I envied my would-be comrades as I walked around my palatial grounds from which I could draw no pleasure, for the air carried upon it a foul odor created by the horses. I often reflected upon my sad condition and the miserable turns my life had taken while wandering about my estate, followed by my young son, who was considered by everyone in the county to be a fine lad and who had at only eight months of age won the grand prize in the Little Mister England talent and scholarship contest in London, but who, due to the curses of God which visited me every day of my unlucky life, produced deposits more foul than any produced by those fine expensive horses of mine.

My misery multiplied over the years as I was cursed with ever more children, and then grandchildren, and I had to continue to pay higher taxes than anyone I knew, and I had to sit for portraits and be fitted for clothing that never brought out the color of my eyes properly, and whenever I went golfing my toe would become stubbed, or a mosquito would suck blood from me, or Providence would place my ball into a sand trap, so that I could never enjoy the sport; and my wife, though she was regarded by everyone in the county to be the finest looking and most pleasant woman around, continued to foul the air with her breath in the morning; and my horses produced more deposits, and produced more horses, for which many people came from far away to give me a great deal of money for, which cost me a great deal of time in the negotiating thereof, and which forced me to continue to pay an unfairly high rate of taxes.

Every day my misfortunes increase. Just today my favorite pet cat was persuaded by Providence to growl at me, which hurt my feelings immensely. My father predicted a life of misery for me if I went to sea and it has happened exactly as he saw, even though I was only on board for less then a minute, but every minute since then has been as miserable as that one was.