An entry about pee
Saturday, Jun. 07, 2003 - 23:30

My seventh grade Life Science teacher told us that pee is clean, and if your friend gets blinded by snake venom, you can pee in his eyes and save him. And so ever since then I've always been slightly (slightly, very slightly) fond of pee.

Except cat pee. That shit stinks.

And except other people's pee on toilet seats--why do I always pick the toilet that's just been sprayed by some incompetent urinator?

I saw Madonna say on Letterman that she pees in the shower--she said it keeps you from getting athlete's foot or something. I've been known to pee in the shower, and I see nothing wrong with it, as long as it all goes down the drain--letting it pool up would be gross.

Maybe not everyone has such a casual attitude about pee as I do.

The summer after seventh grade me and my friends were at a slumber party and we were all in the lake. This must have been at night. My best friend (who is now known as my exbestfriend--but not because of this) was climbing up the ladder onto the dock. Our crazy friend Sarah and I were standing on the dock, and I told Sarah she should pee on my best friend's head, and I was probably joking, but Sarah was crazy, so she did it. And my best friend was horrified and deeply insulted and disgusted. This was a girl who, on a dare at her 6th grade birthday party, had picked her nose and eaten the booger, saying, "Who cares? It's not like I do it all the time," and who, also in 6th grade, after being told that--gasp--her bra was showing through her new white David Lee Roth t-shirt (which was hugely shocking--we were all very, very Puritan), said, "So? At least I'm wearing a bra." This daring, shocking best friend of mine did not share my liberal views on urine.

So maybe I'm a little weird.

(But wait, don't read any further until I've convinced you of this: I don't like pee. I'm just not really disgusted or offended by it.)

When I lived in Germany my new pair of Levi's got assimilated into my host brother's clothes (gosh darnit) and we couldn't find mine when I had to leave, so I had to take a pair of his in exchange, and his sort of smelled like pee, which was gross, but what could I do? I couldn't do my own laundry (which was the worst part about living with host families) and I had to leave, so I had to take the peeful jeans.

And, hell, I might as well tell you that a few months later I soaked those same jeans in my own urine, but I was highly intoxicated--it was my last or second-to-last night in Vienna--and I'd already peed on a sidewalk and in a park, but damnit I had to go and I couldn't get the damn door open, and I had to pee, I had to pee, so I decided to just pee out a few drops to ease the pressure in my bladder a little, but woops. Hey, I was drunk. (And I'd already been drenched by a glass of beer that fell and spilled all over me--which I watched, laughing, not realizing that I could move to get out of the way of the river of beer. So my pants were already wet and smelly.)

The only other time I remember peeing my pants was in second grade at school, an event that is often humiliating and life-altering for some people, but luckily the only person who saw me pee my pants was a Dirty Boy, and no one believed him when he tried to make fun of me, so I got away with it.

Now the reason I'm talking about pee--and really, all I intended to say was that I'm not offended by pee, but I guess I got a little carried away talking about my personal pee stories--the reason I'm talking about pee at all is that I wanted to introduce today's topic: my penis envy.

I'd have so much fun if I had a wiener. I'd pee outside on a windy day and watch my pee go flying. I'd write my name in the snow. I'd stick my wiener out of a car window and pee down the freeway. I'd pee in bottles. I'd pee in potted plants. You know those random pipe ends that you sometimes see sticking out of buildings? I'd pee in those. I'd pee straight up into the air (although at a slight angle away from my face) (once in 9th grade this guy called me one night--he was a wrestler, ugh--and he told me that once he and a bunch of men had a peeing contest, and he had a hat on and his stream of urine hit the bill of his hat and he peed it off--I guess he liked me, that's why he called--but yuck I wasn't impressed, and besides that he looked like John Boy). I'd enter peeing contests. I'd pee in mufflers and if I felt vandalous (although I guess everything I've been saying has been vandalous--but not destructive) I'd pee in gas tanks. I'd pee in campfires. I'd put out forest fires. I'd be like a dog and pee a few drops on all the trees in my neighborhood. If I didn't feel like walking to the bathroom, and there wasn't a potted plant around, I'd pee out the window.

Man, what good clean fun me and my wiener would have.