**LATE-BREAKING SEA MONKEY NEWS**
Tuesday, Feb. 5, 2002 x 2 - 21:20

One of my Sea Monkeys is on the bottom of the Sea Monkey aquarium flopping around. It looks like it has two sets of eyes. Is it actually two Sea Monkeys who are humping? Is it one Sea Monkey eating one of the other Sea Monkeys? Is it a Bionic Two-Headed Sea Monkey flopping around in the muck building a Bionic Sea Monkey nest in which to lay its Bionic Sea Monkey eggs? Or is it a really fucked up Sea Monkey that's dying because it can't support the weight of its two sets of eyes?

I wasn't sure what to do, so I took the patented Sea Monkey Port-a-Pet Life Boat and squirted water at the offending Sea Monkey. It floated around a little, but now it's back to wriggling around on the bottom with its two sets of eyes.

I'm not sure how much I've told you about my Sea Monkeys, so I'll just start at the beginning:

I got Sea Monkeys. There were many, but then they all died. I was pissed. Then I noticed one Bionic Sea Monkey swimming around. Then I noticed a few more. Then I got a nother Sea Monkey aquarium, because I wanted to plant more Sea Monkeys. So I had a few older Sea Monkeys in aquarium #1, and I had many baby Sea Monkeys in aquarium #2. Then all the baby Sea Monkeys died. Fuckers! Then I noticed two more baby Sea Monkeys in aquarium #1. The Sea Monkeys in aquarium #2 remained dead. Then I noticed one of the Sea Monkeys in aquarium #1 seemed to have two sets of eyes. That one is now humping or eating or whatever down at the bottom. Then today for Grad Student Appreciation Week and for my not-quite-birthday Mr. Pooh gave me a whole NOTHER Sea Monkey aquarium! (Aquarium is a hard word to type. Try it.) So tomorrow I'm going to plant more Sea Monkeys!

You're probably worried that the potential Sea Monkeys that come with aquarium #3 will all die too, but never fear, faithful reader. I think I know why they died: I fed them too soon and the greedy little bastards ate themselves to death (except for some of the Sea Monkeys in aquarium #1 who got stuck to the side and whose poor baby bodies are still stuck there - I don't know why that happened). So I will starve the new Sea Monkeys and they will love it and live long lovely lives for me!

Tonight I Port-a-Petted two medium-sized Sea Monkeys from aquarium #1 into #2 so they can start a Sea Monkey colony in there. They'll probably die.

My biggest Sea Monkey is about a centimeter (that's roughly equivalent to a centimetre, for you Canadians out there) long. They're ugly freaky little bastards. And they're mean.